I’m a female member. I’ve been told that my moods can be pretty extreme. I’m usually easygoing and do things at my own pace, but when I’m with someone I feel comfortable with—or someone I’ve been seeing regularly for more than six months—I end up showing my true self. I’m the same way around my family or partner. I know I have a really awful personality, but I don’t know how to change it. I feel like the people who see me despite all this will soon become disillusioned and leave me.

I’m a male member, BB7. I’m not sure how severe your mood swings are, but particularly among younger women—those in their 20s, for example—this can happen due to immaturity and the effects of hormonal fluctuations. It’s generally said that temperament and mood swings are largely influenced by genetics, although upbringing and other factors also play a role. You could probably uncover all kinds of underlying factors if you looked deeply into it, but since you’re already aware of the issue, I think it would be helpful to identify your own habitual thought patterns, anger patterns, and fixations, then learn ways to gradually adjust them. There are plenty of books on cognitive therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, anger management, and mindfulness, so why not start by reading some of them? Manga versions are available too, so they’re a good introduction. After that, if you put what you learn into practice and keep training yourself, you can gradually change. Just don’t expect things to change overnight. It’s important to work on it patiently.

I’m Joe, a columnist. Meg’s answer pretty much covers everything, but Joe is basically a meddler, so I’ll share my thoughts too. According to the few books on the brain that I’ve read, the part of the brain called the limbic system becomes active when we’re angry. Apparently, this area is also involved in emotions such as anxiety and fear—not just anger. This function is said to exist in all living creatures. However, animals with more advanced brains, such as humans and monkeys, can control these emotions through a region called the frontal lobe, as Meg mentioned. The problem, as Meg also pointed out, is that there’s a time lag between the two areas. Let’s start by learning how this mechanism works. Anger is an important function related to survival, so it’s difficult not to get angry. But since we also have a built-in ability to restrain it, wouldn’t it be worthwhile to train ourselves to control it better? When I feel anger rising, I try to think, “My brain has been reduced to the level of an insect.” That lasts about six seconds（笑）. Thanks to this training—or so I’d like to think—I’ve almost completely stopped blurting out unnecessary things in the heat of the moment. Unfortunately, though, I still can’t hide my clicking tongue or changes in facial expression. I’m still working on it, but since we can’t stop the limbic system from becoming active, it may be difficult. There’s also something called the one-hour rule. The six-second rule is effective for sudden anger, but emotions such as years of resentment obviously don’t disappear in six seconds. In those cases, the one-hour rule is useful. I read in a book on criminal psychology that if you can delay acting on years of anger for one hour, 95% of it will apparently subside. What I know is mostly borrowed from books, but why not start by learning how anger works and then training yourself? You may not be able to change your personality, but I believe you can train yourself to control it. I’m still working on it too, so let’s both do our best. P.S. This may sound contradictory, but anger can also be a driving force. The difficult part is figuring out how to express it. By the way, apparently the most common motive behind crimes committed by elderly people is rage (anger). It’s thought to be because the frontal lobe becomes less active with age.

I’m Meg, a female member. Being aware of it is a wonderful thing. Whether I’m gentle and easygoing or intense, I’m still me at the end of the day. But since you’re asking this question, I imagine you’re wondering what to do about that more hot-tempered side of yourself. There are things people can change through their own efforts, and things that simply can’t be changed through effort alone. As Paper Airplane-san’s story makes clear, sometimes it’s the environment that shapes us. I think having some kind of experience that really hits you hard might help you change a little, but you probably wouldn’t willingly choose to go through something like that (^_^;) So, what can you do? As Mac-san suggested, it may help to focus on things where your efforts will pay off. And as Seattle-san said, simply looking back for one second is a smart approach too. Personally, raising children gives me endless reasons to get irritated. (I’m angry all the time, haha.) Then, the other day, I was incredibly lucky to be taught a way to control anger. Apparently, it’s called the six-second rule. It takes about that long for the anger-producing part of the brain, the amygdala (the accelerator), to communicate with the prefrontal cortex (the brakes), which calms it down. In other words, during those six seconds, you find a way to calm yourself down—almost like a disaster-preparedness drill. For example: ・Take deep breaths ・Leave the situation ・Slowly count to ten Some people even said they go to the bathroom and stay there for a while. (That’s a good one!) It seems to be important to decide on your method in advance and practice it. Why not try different approaches like these and find one that works for you? It’s not too late to start now! Let’s do our best together (*^^*)

I’m Flag Maker, a column writer. My wife is hysterical too, so it might be a similar situation. When she gets angry, she lashes out with her hands and feet. Occasionally, she even grabs a weapon（笑） I’ve thought about it in all sorts of ways, but explaining the whole backstory would take too long. In the end, it comes down to “getting used to having a wife like that” and “not taking anything too seriously, no matter what happens.” As we’ve gotten older, her anger doesn’t last as long, but her explosive temper still seems as strong as ever. The person asking this question may dislike this side of themselves, but I feel like the first step is to accept yourself, in a sense, and help the people around you understand you as well. As for my own approach, it’s something like: “You’re just being hysterical right now and saying some really harsh things temporarily. I understand that, so it’s okay—I still love you just as much as ever.” Keeping that up over and over has made things a little better. I think a lot of men, in particular, have a hard time understanding the hysterical side of women. I was the same way. So I try to make up for that by asking her to explain things like, “When this happens, I just suddenly lose control and can’t stop,” and making an effort to understand. P.S. I made it sound a little too neat and tidy. I’ve actually run away from home a few times because I was scared of my wife（笑） But I always came back properly each time.

I’m Date◎Yume, a male member. There are people like that around me too. From what I’ve seen, many of them tend to be very sensitive or have strong preferences and opinions. I’m not sure whether this will help, but when you’re reacting to something, try not to jump in right away. Pause for a moment before responding. I think that alone might improve things quite a bit. You describe yourself as easygoing and laid-back, but I get the impression that you’re also someone with a sharp mind and plenty of drive. It might help to slow down your thoughts, movements, and speech just a little（笑）

I’m Seattle, a male member. The questioner’s post is hard to read because there are no line breaks. Fixing that might also help you develop the habit of thinking before you speak. Try rereading what you wrote for just one second before posting. My ex-wife was scary too. Once I got her signature on the divorce papers, I went to file them within 30 minutes, before she could change her mind.

I’m Papercraft, a male member. My second wife was exactly like that. No matter how many times I asked her, she simply wouldn’t stop. We were married for several years, but I eventually reached my limit and felt that divorce was the only option. However, when I told her I wanted a divorce, she must never have imagined I would say such a thing. I had chosen her largely based on her looks, and she had probably always been able to treat men however she pleased. She likely never imagined that, no matter how selfishly she behaved, a man might actually ask her for a divorce. After I told her I wanted a divorce, she couldn’t sleep at night and needed sleeping pills. I never expected her to desperately plead with me to reconsider and promise that she would change, while making every effort to prove it. Somehow, I managed to get her to sign the divorce papers. Perhaps I felt sorry for her, because I couldn’t submit them right away and waited for a while. A few months later, when I took the papers to city hall, they refused to accept them. I found out that she had filed a request to prevent the divorce from being processed without her consent. I took various steps to have that request withdrawn, but it’s a long and complicated story, so I’ll leave it out. Eventually, we were able to divorce successfully. She probably thought it was completely over, and for me, too, it was over—at least for the time being. Nearly six months later, I contacted her, and we agreed to meet. After that, I began visiting her new home. Her extreme selfishness had subsided. She had become calmer, almost as if she had reached a state of enlightenment—or perhaps simply accepted everything and stopped resisting. Maybe, as far as she was concerned, I was something she had once lost, given up on, and then repaired. Or perhaps I was no longer someone she felt she absolutely had to hold on to, like a husband. Normally, people don’t change. I don’t think her personality itself had truly changed, either. For her, being told by her partner that he wanted a divorce must have been an unimaginable setback and a crushing sense of defeat. It was also something she couldn’t control herself. When I went through my first divorce, I was in the opposite position—I was the one being told by my partner that they wanted a divorce—and I couldn’t sleep at night. I think experiences like that are truly invaluable. For her, was it a change that meant living a different life? When the way someone lives changes, do extreme behaviors—such as becoming hysterical—eventually settle down to that extent? Does the person simply no longer feel the need to express them, or does life become one of resignation, where there is no longer any need to behave that way? Without experiencing something that significant, perhaps there would be no change capable of calming the questioner’s temperament. I don’t think a person’s basic personality itself changes, but I do feel that certain events can change the way someone lives—and even the course of their life.