How much wealth would someone need to be able to give their mistress ¥3 million a month? Let’s also assume they can provide extra money for shopping. This isn’t being written off as a business expense.

Apparently, I’m considered ultra-high-net-worth. The usual definition is having ¥500 million in net assets, generally excluding real estate. Supposedly, that’s 0.04% of Japan’s 50 million households—is that really true? What I’m trying to say is that your assets and your sense of money are two different things. I get nervous if a single meal costs more than ¥30,000 per person—never mind spending ¥3 million a month—and I can’t even taste my food. Sorry this was absolutely no help whatsoever, darling.

Rather than someone’s assets, a salaried employee working at a foreign investment bank, for example, might spend ¥3 million a month on one woman. I’m a pretty uncool papa who falls into the “throwing money around” category, but I’d never spend ¥3–4 million on a single woman. Like Mac, I’m more of a diversification type. There’s a reason I spread things out. For one thing, I can’t really fall that deeply for one woman, and nothing good ever comes from becoming too invested in a single person. So I rotate between around ten women I’m seeing. Something really shocking happened recently. I planned an “ejaculation challenge” with one of my monthly arrangement partners, but I could only manage once. I could probably do it twice if I really tried, but I just wasn’t in the mood. My sperm factory is officially done for. I used to pride myself on being insatiable, too... Separately, when I was intimate with a new woman, I unusually finished too quickly. That itself was fine, but my desire still didn’t come back, so we just chatted and said goodbye. I want to become Mac’s apprentice.... There isn’t even a girl who hugs me sleepily at night. I’m losing in every possible way, just like my name suggests.

I think Taro’s analysis is spot-on. I can give gifts if it’s cash, but when it comes to shopping, I get nervous even spending ¥10,000. The real question is how to keep him around. Should I look up at him with those puppy-dog eyes, get naked, do anything, even prostrate myself? Sex with a goat? Bring it on. Or maybe I’d have a better chance of getting ahead by landing a job at a cabaret club called Jungle and treating men coldly from a position of superiority.

¥3 million a month comes to ¥36 million a year. Assuming the money is being generated through asset management, and working backward from the 4% average return often cited in the FIRE community, that would imply assets of ¥900 million. If he has other sources of income, he could easily manage with less. But if he lives solely off his investments, no one would be foolish enough to give away all of their returns, so he’d need even more assets. Still, since everyone’s situation is different, you could just stop overthinking it for now and use around ¥1 billion in assets as a rough guideline. You might want to write in your profile, “I’m fine with bald, overweight, strong body odor, or unusual preferences—as long as you have assets of at least ¥1 billion (heart),” or ask at the first meeting, “So, exactly how much do you have in assets?”—in a Mrs. Dewi–style tone. That said, rather than looking through a dating club, I feel your chances of success would be higher working in the sex industry in Macau or another casino-heavy location and meeting wealthy men there. Come to think of it, there was a story years ago about an AV actress named Reina Murakami providing “nighttime entertainment” to the Crown Prince of Brunei for several million yen. Haha. Taro

How should I know? Let me write it off as a business expense. Why can’t it be expensed? It’s the same money either way, lol. I write off around ¥3 million a year, lol.