I would appreciate the opinions of those with more experience.
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Please read the background below and let me know whether this is common, and what you think of how I’m handling the situation.
Background
I met a woman through this club—a freelance model in her 20s—and we had been seeing each other three or four times a month for about a year and a half. Not long after we met, neither of us felt the need to look for anyone else, so we both left the club.
At first, I saw her on a pay-per-meeting basis for 8, including transportation. However, in exchange for her not taking on any other papas (male supporters), and for her promising to tell me if she got a boyfriend so that we could part amicably, we changed it to 10 per meeting, with an additional 5 for overnight stays.
For the past two months, I had felt something was off about her attitude and behavior, and I had a feeling she was seeing another man. I asked her about it three times, but she swore on her life that there was absolutely no one else, so I continued seeing her.
In the end, a video of her with her boyfriend was uploaded to her social media—without her knowing that I could see it. She admitted that they had actually been dating for two months. According to her, she was worried about money and just couldn’t bring herself to tell me. She says she wants to meet and apologize. That’s where things stand now.
What I’m considering
I’m worried about her, so I’m thinking of continuing to support her with dinner only (no intimacy). But since I can no longer trust her, I’m also wondering whether I should cut ties completely. At the same time, I can’t help thinking that if I abandon her, she may be left with nowhere to turn and continue papa-katsu behind her boyfriend’s back…
Additional note
I may not be able to check this board right away, so I’m sorry if my replies are delayed. Also, apologies for any typos in this long post.
Thank you in advance.
People cheat even when they’re married, so I think you should do whatever feels right to you.
I’m someone who prefers seeing multiple people, so in the fortunate environment of papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)—a rare market where men have the advantage—I honestly don’t see any benefit to limiting yourself to just one person, at least from my perspective.
Sorry, but I really can’t bring myself to feel sorry for you.
Personally, I think if you keep seeing other women, you’ll eventually forget about her. Once you get used to women doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) with other men, you’ll be fine even if you have a girlfriend or a casual partner.
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You can break things off, as you said.
Since this is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), you don’t necessarily need to end things formally—you can simply stop meeting.
If you’re important to them, they’ll reach out again eventually, whatever form that may take.
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You already know that the lies are probably transparent, so I think she realizes it’ll be difficult to keep deceiving you like this. If you’re unhappy, I think it would be best to end things cleanly.
Even if you choose to believe her for now, if you keep investigating and things drag on messily, she’ll eventually have to choose one or the other. But given the nature of relationships through a dating club, you’re not really in a position to tell her to break up with him…
So you searched for her social media. Doesn’t that cross into her private life?
In relationships between men and women, the person who falls in love is at a disadvantage. Are you really going to continue seeing her while believing these lies, even asking her to continue and paying her allowance?
You asked because you couldn’t trust her, right?
Even if she has a boyfriend, this is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), so if you can handle it as a transactional relationship, you can continue. But if you’ve fallen for her, then you’re not really keeping things casual, so I think ending it would save you from worrying in the future.
The fact that you chose the words “cut her off” rather than “end things” makes her seem even more unpleasant.
I do think the woman is being awful, and I understand how you feel. But from her perspective, maybe she simply sees things differently…
It sounds like you’re incompatible. Wouldn’t it be better to patiently look for someone who will focus only on you?
I thought you wanted to hear honest opinions because you can’t say this directly to her, so this is my answer from an especially prickly, period-having Sunflower perspective. Sorry if I hurt you.
These girls may have various circumstances, and it’s possible they’re being deceived by men, so you could watch the situation for another six months if you want. But as an adult man with your own position, status, and income, please think it over calmly.
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If it were me, I’d break things off immediately.
Then, depending on her attitude, I might get back together with her. But I’d leave it for at least six months first.
Except for one, all the girls at the top of my monthly arrangements have broken up with me once and then gotten back together with me.
It’s important to make them think, “This is someone I shouldn’t mess with.”
Lying isn’t good. It makes people lose trust in you.
Though I lie all the time myself, lol.
I have so many monthly arrangements...
I’m the worst...
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All I can say is, do whatever you want.
That said, what are you going to do about the decision you made for yourself: “When I get a boyfriend, I’ll graduate from this arrangement amicably”?
If you’re ending things decisively, then that would be “graduating.”
But if you continue seeing him, even just for dinner, then saying, “I changed my mind about stopping,” would mean taking back what you said. And if you’re going to take it back, I don’t see the point of limiting it to dinner only—you might as well continue as before.
You probably said you’d “graduate” despite already knowing that neither you nor the other person would follow through, and that your words and actions would end up contradicting each other and become a lie. If so, I think it would have been better not to say it in the first place.
What do you think about being old enough to still say one thing and do another? People will take advantage of anyone whose words and actions don’t match. If it were me, I’d end things as I said I would.
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Since you asked what I think, I’ll answer honestly.
When it comes down to it, situations like this are all or nothing. In my opinion, anyone who can’t make a clear-cut decision about something this minor lacks basic life skills.
Also, I found it creepy that he expected her to tell him if she got a boyfriend or to “graduate” from papa-katsu.
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I had a little time, so I checked and saw that no one had answered yet, so I thought I’d respond.
In my case, I continue seeing someone until she tells me, “I want to stop.”
Eventually, things gradually settle into a comfortable arrangement.
It’s also enjoyable just watching that happen.
By the way, in my case:
The women I’m seeing don’t pursue anyone else!
They don’t leave!
It just goes on endlessly, with no end in sight!
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