I’m asking about my papa (a male supporter), whom I’ve been seeing for three years.

I spent 15 years with my ex-wife, where any time I refused to put up with something, it immediately turned into a fight. I’m exhausted and don’t want any more fighting—or marriage. I’m the same way: once we have a fight, I end the relationship immediately. If we get along well, maybe we could become boyfriend and girlfriend—or even get married.

Even among the people answering here, some have had arguments and then made up completely, while others keep harping on things and holding grudges. So I honestly can’t tell whether arguments and getting along have a positive or negative correlation. That said, I argue a lot with the top girl among my monthly arrangements—actually, she’s the ace. She used to absolutely destroy me in arguments, but lately I occasionally manage to win. When two people face each other as seriously as the ace and I do, it almost seems unnatural not to argue. But with my other ace, I’ve never even felt uncomfortable, let alone argued—we’ve always gotten along perfectly. So, to answer the questioner’s concern: I really don’t know.

It means you’ve both become comfortable enough to show your true selves. If that works for both of you, the relationship will probably continue—and it may simply be that you’re compatible enough to bring that side out in each other. Relationships between a man and a woman can only truly be understood by the people involved. Sometimes, the more unusual a relationship may seem to outsiders, the stronger the bond and mutual attraction can be.

Who knows? Maybe he likes you because he hasn’t ended things, or maybe he just likes your body. It’s hard to say. Even if it were a romantic relationship, I could understand it—but in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), where money is involved, an arrangement that leads to serious fights sounds exhausting. I couldn’t do it. Some men are into women who are emotionally unstable, strong-willed, or “menhera,” so maybe that kind of person finds it irresistible. But it’s a world I just can’t understand...

Building genuine self-confidence and self-esteem is a basic part of being a functioning member of society. If you lack confidence and turn that insecurity into harmful behavior toward others, such as picking fights, that is profoundly unreasonable. Saying “I have no confidence” is nothing more than an excuse. Never getting serious, never being able to do anything, claiming to be kind at heart while continuing to act and speak spitefully until the day you die—or even beyond—is simply making excuses about insecurity that distorts your words and actions. Thinking that you must be close because you talk about breaking up and fight but don’t actually separate is a distorted perception. It’s like injuring yourself and saying your body is strong because you haven’t died despite losing that much blood. You will break up eventually. When both of you lose your tempers during a fight, say things you normally wouldn’t, and become unable to back down, you may keep fighting. Even if you know you’ll fight again, making up can become such a hassle that you eventually just break up.

Not breaking up even after arguing is proof that you care about each other. It’s a hassle when you clash and end up arguing because your opinions and values are different, isn’t it? With someone you’re incompatible with, you might as well break up, thinking there’s no point talking no matter how much you try. But when you argue back and forth, getting all worked up, that’s proof you’re still attached to the other person. You may decide to cut them off and stop contacting them for a while, but sooner or later, one of you reaches out, the other responds properly, and you make up. In other words, the rain has fallen and the ground has hardened. That doesn’t mean you should force your own wants on someone and pick fights. There may be all kinds of feelings and considerations involved, but if something slips out and the other person responds emotionally instead of handling it maturely, I’d say that’s a sure sign they care. Of course, that doesn’t mean everything is automatically okay—you still need to communicate your feelings properly. Making up is a good opportunity, but it’s not the only one. The worst thing you can do is nothing. They’re thinking about it too, and they’re watching closely. Doing nothing is almost like telling them you don’t care about them. You should also tell them at some point that you lack confidence in yourself, and that’s why you sometimes have trouble being honest about your feelings. Talking about this kind of thing can be embarrassing, and you may worry about how the other person will react. Then, of course, they take forever to reply right after you send the message, and you start thinking, “Oh no, it’s over,” and feel completely hopeless. But they’ll probably reply. From what they say, you’ll also be able to tell how seriously they feel about you. I can’t guarantee success, but taking action will definitely move things forward. So, you may have all kinds of worries, but it’s best to take things one step at a time. Whatever the outcome, it won’t be a waste. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you. Taro

I’d break things off right away if we ever had even one argument. That goes for papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), my private life, and even my relationships with men. If you’re incompatible with someone, it’s better to keep your distance—for both your sakes. I’ve never made up with someone after an argument, either. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had a real fight with anyone in my life. If the other person starts getting angry, I just keep running away. That way, it never turns into a fight. I imagine women—or people in general—like the questioner are probably in the majority, but there are also people like me who dislike conflict. So it’s probably best not to measure others by your own standards and assume that “fighting is proof that you’ve become close.” You’re being a little naïve. By the way, I’m divorced, but I have a partner in a weekend marriage that’s lasted over 20 years. We’ve never had a single argument, and I doubt we ever will. We both absolutely hate angry people, so we never show those feelings to each other. If either of us ever did, that would be when we ended things.