The papa I’ve been seeing for two years sends friendly LINE messages to a hostess, saying things like, “I want to see you completely wasted,” or, “I want you to wear this for your Halloween costume”…

Thank you for your question! If you’re feeling uneasy too, rather than worrying about it, I think it would be good to give yourself some peace of mind by showing your papa (a male supporter) lots of attention. Why not try messaging him more often or telling him that you’d like to see him more? ♪ Universe Club Osaka Higashino

Hostesses make their money by getting customers to come to the club and spend, so in a sense, they’re desperate to maintain the illusion of romance. From the vibe of your question, it sounds like you probably don’t message your papa (a male supporter) on LINE that often? Hostesses bombard customers with messages as if they were their girlfriends. They especially target men who spend—or have plenty of money. Your papa is probably firmly in their sights. The guy is probably spending because he wants to sleep with her, while the hostess keeps him hanging by making it seem possible without actually going through with it. If she’s a typical hostess, your papa will eventually come to his senses lol. But if she’s the type who uses sex as part of her sales strategy, she could become your rival. Still, I have a feeling that papa is seeing other PJ girls too, so maybe you don’t need to worry about it that much. Either way, you’ll part ways someday, so I think it wouldn’t hurt for you to have other papas lined up as well.

Hostesses work hard to get repeat customers by sending sales messages and doing their best to keep them entertained. Are you making any effort to promote yourself? A hostess is essentially someone you spend money on for a romantic game, while a PJ involves an adult relationship, so they fulfill different roles and can coexist. However, since they come out of the same wallet, it’s easy to imagine them competing financially. You certainly don’t have to do the same things as a hostess, but I do think it would be nice to offer your own kind of hospitality.

Messages from a hostess are part of her sales efforts to get you to come to the club. It’s perfectly normal for her to send messages like, “What kind of restaurant would you like to go to for a dinner date before my shift? How would you like to spend the evening?” (meaning, “Tell me what you want, and come accompany me to work”), or, for a Halloween customer-attraction event, “I’m thinking of wearing this kind of cosplay. What sort of cosplay do you like?” (meaning, “What should I wear to get you to come?”). They apparently keep track of things painstakingly—who they’re accompanying on which day, who’s coming around what time, and so on. So if you were eagerly replying to those sales messages, then yes, that does come across as creepy. I only just realized that myself. I think hostesses and women doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) are different. In both cases, the man ends up paying, but what they’re looking for is different. I think you’d understand if the person asking the question had someone take her to a hostess club once. Her papa (a male supporter) seems like the type who might take her. Women get in free at hostess clubs. You do occasionally see women there with male customers. The hostesses even joke, “Bring your papa-katsu girl along and I’ll size her up for you,” so I’m sure they’d treat her in a way that wouldn’t make her uncomfortable. Personally, I don’t think love, falling out of love, dumping someone, or being dumped really applies to papa-katsu. An allowance is the basic premise, so unless someone says, “I won’t pay you an allowance, but I still want to see you,” and you decide to meet him anyway, nothing really changes. It’s the same as a favored patron who often invites you to banquets. Of course, there may be some kind of relationship with a regular patron, but it’s also like saying you’re hospitalized and having him come visit, only to charge him for the flowers. When the money stops, the relationship stops. Rather than being dumped, you’re probably either no longer wanted or the money has run out.

It’s not really the questioner’s fault, but the previous question was so good that the contrast really stands out. At the very least, I don’t get the impression that either the questioner or her papa (a male supporter) is actually in love with the other. Who likes whom more or who ranks first—does it really matter? Ask again when you find yourself unable to throw away the cigarette butts your papa left behind because they’ve become so precious to you. The questioner writes that she “really likes him” and is “hooked,” but is it possible that she herself has never actually experienced what it means to like someone or be in love? Have you ever felt that the cigarette butts he left behind were so precious that you couldn’t throw them away? If you have, try to remember that feeling. It could even be something from when you were in elementary school. That is what it means to fall for someone of the opposite sex. Does this papa feel that strongly about either the cabaret hostess or the questioner? If not, this is nothing more than a competition over who gets to be the center of an idol group. If something like that is enough to damage the questioner’s self-esteem, then she should focus on building that up first. Whether it’s a papa or a boyfriend, find someone who can boost your self-esteem without money being involved. Of course, her current papa may be a good man in his own way, and he probably doesn’t mean any harm. But if things continue like this, the questioner’s heart won’t be fulfilled. If anything, she may sink even further emotionally. I think the fact that she came here and wrote, “Someone please help me—anyone, say something that will raise my self-esteem,” is an SOS signal. She may be in worse shape than she realizes. That’s how I interpret her statement, “I’m always prone to anxiety.” Even after reading my answer, people don’t change that easily. The questioner will probably continue trying to become “number one” and wear down her self-esteem in the process. It’s similar to the mindset of someone who keeps losing at gambling but thinks they’ll win next time and recover their losses. You may not be able to change immediately, but you can become aware of what’s happening. I think the best place to start is by recognizing what kind of negative spiral you’re caught in. Honestly, papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) isn’t really suited to women like the questioner, who lack self-esteem and confidence. Because they receive money in return, it can feel like a tangible sense of accomplishment, but if they keep doing it, their self-esteem will gradually be chipped away. They end up being tossed around by the papa-katsu men’s wandering eyes. Even if they compete with a cabaret hostess and try to win the man over, they’ll only become exhausted when his attention eventually shifts to another woman. Papa-katsu may look like something that can raise your self-esteem because you receive an allowance, but in reality, the opposite is true—it wears you down more than anything. That said, there really are a lot of young women like this. It’s like poor people spending the little money they have on gambling. They’re poor in self-esteem. So, what kind of women are suited to papa-katsu? The best type is a woman who doesn’t care at all whether her papa is seeing multiple women or whether she’s his number one. Ideally, she’s confident and socially skilled enough to have him introduce her to the other girls so they can even become friends. The second type is a woman like the questioner from the previous post—someone who falls easily and ends up falling in love with her papa. It may be painful for her at the time, but it probably won’t become a bad memory. That’s how I see it. I’ve never seen a papa-katsu girl who insists on being number one and actually looks happy. I sometimes hear about men ranking women as number one, number two, and so on, enjoying the feeling of having a harem or pitting the women against one another for fun. I’m not talking about that “loser guy,” though.

Since your papa is giving money to both you and the hostess, I think he probably isn’t thinking too deeply about it. There are periods when his feelings for you are genuine, and periods when he’s really into the hostess. And then sometimes it’s the other way around—he’s casual with her and serious about you. I’m like that too. If anything, my feelings can shift from week to week, and I end up thinking, “She’s the one!”