I’m planning to play golf next month with a woman I’ve been seeing for about six months.

Thank you for your question! This is Higashino from Universe Club Osaka. First of all, since papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) is an allowance-based relationship, I believe women would definitely appreciate it if you gave her an allowance. It would probably also increase her trust in you—or perhaps her interest in you. (I do wonder whether the women are inviting you on the assumption that they’ll receive something...?) Yuki Higashino Universe Club Osaka

I think you should discuss it with her and decide together. Since she was the one who suggested going golfing, she may be thinking that she doesn’t need an allowance as long as you cover the golf expenses. Or she may be thinking, “This is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), so I should still receive an allowance even for golf.” It really depends on the person. If you don’t want to pay an allowance for golf, you can simply decline. In my case, dates that don’t involve going to a hotel—such as dinner dates—don’t come with an allowance. If someone asks for an allowance just for dinner, I decline. There are women who are happy to go out for dinner only, so…

I think the person asking probably feels that it makes no sense to pay someone for a round of golf where they have to patiently teach a beginner every step of the way. The safest option would be to cancel the golf outing and stick to regular dates with her. Personally, I think overnight stays and golf outings often end up becoming more trouble than they’re worth once an allowance is involved.

> The first thing to consider is: Is the woman you’re going with your girlfriend? > Or your wife? > If it’s a relationship that didn’t originally involve money, then I don’t think an allowance is necessary. That really says it all. A true gem. That said, even with a dating partner, there are cases where you do things together or take trips without an allowance—and that can be a source of happiness too. It’s not all about sexual desire; we’re human, after all. However, in those cases, it’s absolutely essential to ask beforehand, “Would you be okay with doing this without an allowance?” Using some self-serving excuse like not wanting to ruin the mood, then unilaterally assuming she’ll agree and forcing a relationship without an allowance on her, is practically psychological rape. So you should clearly confirm in advance whether she’s okay with no allowance. If you haven’t done that, you should give her some kind of allowance. The amount is really a matter of personal feeling, and it varies from woman to woman, so I don’t think there’s any standard rate. Some women—especially those in their 40s and older—aren’t necessarily short of money at all. Sometimes they need the money as a matter of pride in their role as a dating partner. In that case, what they really want is the “feeling behind the money.” Taking a woman you met through a dating club around without asking her, “Would you be okay without an allowance?” is psychological rape. ↑ I’d like to add this to the list of gems too, lol.

First, ask yourself: Is the woman you’re going with your girlfriend? Or your wife? If you’re in a relationship where money was never involved to begin with, I don’t think she needs an allowance. But if it’s a relationship where an allowance is expected, then whether you’re traveling or playing golf, I think you should naturally assume that you’ll give her something to thank her for coming with you—even if you don’t go to a hotel. I honestly don’t understand why you would think no allowance is necessary when meeting someone in an allowance-based relationship. Of course, if it started as an allowance-based relationship but you’re now dating, then I agree that you don’t necessarily have to give her an allowance… You also wrote that the golf date was her idea, but she may simply have said she wanted to go because golf came up in conversation. I think you should properly confirm whether she still wants to go without an allowance. That said, remember that Japan has a custom of giving someone money for transportation. Even if she says she doesn’t need an allowance, I think a truly classy, mature man would still give her a few tens of thousands of yen at the end. There seem to be more and more uncool adults these days, but I hope you’ll become a classy, mature man.

If you’ve been seeing her for about six months, I think it would be a good idea to casually ask her about it. In my case, I provide transportation money. *I mean the transportation allowance based on the Universe Club rules, not reimbursement of the actual cost.*

That’s quite a spicy situation（笑）. Ultimately, I think the options depend on the questioner’s values. Speaking for myself, I see the allowance as compensation—or rather, a substitute—for intimacy. I wouldn’t go on a date without intimacy if I had to give an allowance, but if we both enjoy seeing each other, I’m perfectly happy to have a date without intimacy—as long as there’s no allowance involved. With that premise, here are the options, along with their pros and cons. The first is to bring up the possibility of meeting without an allowance. This is difficult to phrase. You’re likely to be misunderstood as someone whose only goal is physical intimacy, or as someone who wants to enjoy a cheap version of a romantic relationship. Explaining that intimacy is part of the goal, but not the only thing you want, is actually quite hard to get across. It might work if she’s in her 40s or older, but if she’s in her 20s, I think it’s almost impossible. If you word it badly, the relationship could end right there. In one successful case, the woman eventually said something like, “Okay. But then you’d better treat me to a really amazing dinner（笑）,” and after that, we clearly became closer. I’d say this is a high-risk, high-return option. The second is to say nothing and simply part ways that day without giving her an allowance. This lets you see how she reacts. If she wants an allowance, she’ll say so, and if you don’t want to make things awkward, you can apologize and give it to her. Some women won’t say anything and simply won’t suggest meeting again under those terms. If you’ve been seeing each other for six months, I think the chances of her suddenly cutting you off without saying anything are fairly low. On the other hand, even if she’s okay with it, you may just drift into a new dynamic without ever having a chance to talk about how she really feels, leaving you with some lingering uncertainty. It’s better to properly discuss your feelings on another occasion. If you continue without ever having that conversation, the relationship often fades faster and eventually falls apart more easily. The third is to give her the allowance without saying anything. This may be the safest option, but it also means avoiding the chance to take a risk. I think this applies to both men and women: sometimes neither person clearly says what they want and instead leaves the decision up to the other person. In that case, if you’re the one entrusted with deciding and define it as an allowance-based relationship, then that becomes the reality, doesn’t it? Of course, there is the fantasy of a woman saying, “I don’t need it,” when you try to give her an allowance. I’ve actually experienced that myself. But when that happens, it’s because she has very strong feelings, so it’s not a moment to simply enjoy. I think I should have seriously considered how to respond to those feelings. Intimacy comes with compensation, but feelings are priceless. If all I wanted was intimacy, I’d go to a sex service. I’m in a dating club because I want an emotional connection. And those exchanges of feelings are decided by a single moment or action. So if I were in this situation, I wouldn’t choose the third option. Early on, I often chose the first because it felt like a belated青春（笑）, but these days I almost always choose the second. Once she’s okay with it, you can later bring it up by saying, “Thank you for that time,” and deepen the relationship by sharing some innocent, youthful stories that I can’t write about here. That’s the best answer, in my view. Taro

If it were me, I’d skip the adult relationship, just play golf, and still give her an allowance. I think it would be best to give it to her on the way home. Normally, the standard is to hand over the allowance before the date, though. Just as you’re feeling conflicted, she’s definitely feeling conflicted too. If you offer her the allowance on the way home and she turns it down, her standing among your monthly partners will go way up. If she accepts it, her ranking will drop. Golf and trips take up a lot of time, so from her perspective, she’ll probably want to receive the allowance for an adult relationship—even if it was her idea. If you make it a no-allowance arrangement, her opinion of you is guaranteed to plummet. The dynamic is similar to the whole debate over whether you should pay for a meal date with a woman your own age.

I don’t think there’s any set rule about whether you’re supposed to give an allowance. If it were me, I’d discuss the allowance with the woman beforehand. Or, when discussing the pickup time and other details, you could simply say, “I’d like to go to a hotel afterward.” Why ask a third party about something you could settle just by talking to her? lol

I usually go on dates with an allowance and no hotel, so I’ll give you an allowance for golf as well. My regular dates last three to four hours, but golf takes considerably longer. Taking everything into account, should the allowance stay the same?

My view is that since you’re taking up the woman’s time—golf usually takes longer than a regular date—you should give her an allowance. If you don’t want to pay an allowance, try discussing it with her. If you’re willing to accommodate all her preferences, from choosing the golf course and transportation to the meal, she may be willing to waive it. This should also make it clear whether she genuinely wants to play golf or simply suggested a golf date because she’s tired of the usual dates.

If he values simply spending time together, he may see whatever you do or give her as something separate. The same goes if he finds value in making a woman enjoy herself or feel happy. Whether fulfilling her wishes and seeing her happy is what being a papa (a male supporter) is all about, or whether it’s simply something she wanted to do anyway… it all depends on where each person places the value and emphasis.