One of my monthly arrangements keeps probing for my personal information every time we meet. He’s pretty persistent, and honestly, it’s getting annoying. How can I deflect these questions? And if he asks again, is it okay to give him false information?

It’s scary, isn’t it? Once you decide to end things, there’s always the possibility that someone who knows your personal information could become a stalker. It might be okay if you can give completely false personal details, remember them, and keep up the lie convincingly. But if you’re not good at lying and are likely to get caught, why not simply say that you don’t want to share your personal information? If they argue or make a fuss, it’s probably best to end things.

Recommended approach #1 Why not explain once, via LINE or another messaging app, that you don’t want to share your personal information? I’ve heard that, in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), men sometimes become stalkers or cause other problems. Because of the circumstances I’ve already explained, I can’t let papa-katsu interfere with my work, studies, or family. This is the minimum boundary I decided to maintain when I chose to do papa-katsu. If you want to continue seeing me, I’d like you to respect this decision of mine. If this causes our relationship to end, then I think that’s okay. Also, approach #2 If he keeps asking for your personal information even after you’ve made it clear you’re uncomfortable, it’s perfectly fine to block him immediately. What I don’t recommend If you lie, he may try to identify you based on the information you give him. Once your lie is exposed, things could become awkward, and the relationship will probably end anyway. Also, don’t underestimate the negative impact lying can have on your mental health. Not lying while refusing to provide more information than necessary is actually an issue philosophers have seriously considered. I remember reading a story in a book about someone protecting Jewish people from Nazi officers conducting a manhunt without actually lying to them. Once you start lying, your negative feelings toward papa-katsu become stronger. And when you start disliking papa-katsu, you may end up disliking yourself for doing it.

If you’re hoping to build a good relationship, there’s no need to ask, so it’s fine to walk away. And if they do ask, you don’t have to lie in your answer.

Deflect the question. In fact, I think it’s perfectly fine to simply lie. After all, dating clubs ensure your safety by letting you register under a false name. It’s like asking a celebrity, “Where do you live?” One of the good things about this kind of arrangement is that you can avoid getting personally involved by putting on an act.

That’s a pretty common story（笑). Since it’s a dating club, not a sex-work service, men probably want to feel that you’re interacting with them sincerely rather than simply providing a service. So they may want a relationship where you can share personal things with each other. Of course, some of them are seriously problematic, but I think most are just innocently inconsiderate in this way. As for how to deal with it, I’d say learn how to lie convincingly—in other words, make your lies realistic. Lies can be malicious or well-intentioned, so if you’re doing it with good intentions, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. For example, you might lie in order to maintain a good relationship with a man you met through a dating club. Basically, if the purpose of the lie is benevolent, it’s okay. As for how to lie, the first thing is to be vague about the key point. For example, if you lived in Togoshi-Ginza and someone asked where you lived, you could say, “Somewhere around Shinagawa.” If they pressed you with, “Oh, like Takanawa?” you could say, “No, not that direction—more south（笑）.” The basic rule is to start with a rough level of detail. Next, draw a clear line between what’s true and what isn’t. Decide what you absolutely need to keep hidden. For example, you might have worked in entertainment but keep any experience in the adult industry or appearing in AVs to yourself. But lies that can easily be exposed are no good. If you appeared in AVs and then add some odd boast like, “But I’ve been in the top rankings on DMM,” you’ll give yourself away by bringing up something you should be hiding. The rankings only show the top 100, and if you were active for several years, that means several hundred people in total—if someone really wanted to investigate, it could take less than a month. What I’m saying is, if you’re going to lie, put yourself in the shoes of someone trying to investigate you and close every hole that could provide a clue. Third: if you’re going to lie, create a complete image of the person you want the other person to see and stay in character. If your story is consistent from their perspective, they won’t become suspicious enough to investigate or question you. Conversely, if you don’t take it that far, they’ll eventually start to suspect something. Once they’re suspicious, the chances of being found out depend on whether or not they actually take action. It’s the same with anything: the moment you leave the outcome up to the other person’s actions, you’ve already lost. If you want to come out on top, you need to control every uncertain factor yourself. If you like spies or anime, it might help to imitate Loid Forger from SPY×FAMILY. Don’t imitate Anya. Absolutely not（笑）. If you enjoy reading novels, it’s a little old, but Yu Sato’s The Trap of the State might also give you some ideas. Then again, there may be female respondents who are perfectly capable of lying, so it might be more interesting to hear what they have to say（笑）. Taro

There are all kinds of personal information, but I assume you mean things like your name, address, and school? For your name, I think it’s fine to say, “I’ll only tell you my first name,” and then give a fake name. If you lie about your address or school, your stories might not line up, but you could say you live in the next town over or attend the same school as one of your friends. If you use a fake name, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to identify you, unless they’re exceptionally persistent. The questioner is worried about being identified or stalked, right? These days, if you consult the police about stalking, they’ll respond quickly. As for being identified, in my experience it’s more often not the papa who exposes you. The information usually comes from someone you thought was on your side. Remember that. Because you trust them, you end up casually talking about doing papa-katsu and what you do. This includes not only female friends, but also close male friends—including your boyfriend. You think your friends or boyfriend would never betray you, right? Well, that’s not necessarily true. Sometimes they let something slip without meaning any harm, and sometimes a relationship sours, they lash out, and start telling everyone. To people who don’t do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), papa-katsu is “bad.” So they don’t feel particularly guilty about exposing someone’s secret. In their minds, they’re punishing evil. Some people may even claim they’re doing it “to reform the questioner who does papa-katsu.” Your papa is actually your true ally, because you’re practically co-conspirators. Of course, some papas are careless too, and may casually tell other women who do papa-katsu about your personal information—“There’s a girl like this.” So it’s best to be cautious. But if you’re too stubborn about it, your papa might lose interest and cut ties. Basically, I think it’s fine to give them some casual misinformation. Just be careful not to tell such enormous lies that it becomes fraud. For example, don’t claim you’re in school and receive help with tuition when you’re actually a freeter. Some people seem to believe that “You shouldn’t lie, because it becomes a burden on your heart before you realize it.” That’s certainly a fair point. The aftereffects of papa-katsu can include becoming numb to the value of money, but also getting used to lying too casually. In everyday life, people generally don’t lie all that much. Still, although elementary school won’t teach you this, I think developing the resilience to tell a really big lie when necessary can make life easier in various ways. Nobody has gone through life without ever lying, right? As I’ve written before, there’s also the idea that “You should only lie three times in your life. Normally, establish yourself as someone who can’t lie. That way, people are more likely to believe you when you tell a big lie in an emergency.” You may have already lied more than three times, but I mean from here on out. As for how to reveal the truth about yourself—including your personal information—to your papa, the key is not to give it away cheaply. Package it to look like a luxury item, with the feeling of, “I’m telling you because I trust you, because you’re special.” That’s branding. The more you say things like, “Please, absolutely don’t tell anyone else. I’m really asking you,” the more special he’ll feel, and the more he’ll want to protect your secret. If someone wants the satisfaction of knowing the truth, teach them the pleasure of sharing a secret instead. Show them that “This feels even better.” It’s a somewhat advanced technique, but some people can pull it off. Give it a try. However, you need to be careful when parting ways with a papa like that. If he thinks you’re true comrades who shared a secret and then feels betrayed, his resentment can run deep. The field trip isn’t over until you’re safely home. Don’t let your guard down until the very end.