I recently met a woman, and fortunately, we’ve agreed to continue seeing each other. We’ve exchanged contact information, set the date for our next date, and agreed on the allowance, but do you usually give transportation money each time as well?

I don’t provide transportation money separately. I consider the allowance to cover everything: travel expenses to the date location, makeup, clothes, hair salon, beauty treatments, gym fees, cosmetic procedures, the time involved, and the date itself.

I used to think the same way as you, so please understand that what I’m about to say is also meant as self-reflection. There’s one major flaw in your wording. As Ayase Nana and the other respondents have pointed out, saying “it won’t cost much” is unfortunately the worst possible mindset here. Fortunately, you did say you’re “not unwilling” to pay. Incidentally, “yabusaka” apparently can also mean stingy. Even if the transportation cost after the second meeting is only ¥180—or even just a one-meter taxi fare—please think of it as paying for the tiny, sheer thong she wore to come see you, and send Fukuzawa (soon to be Inazo) into action.

With people I’ve been seeing for a long time, the allowance gradually goes up, so it’s not 50,000 yen. At first, it’s 50,000 yen including everything, and I don’t cover transportation. During the initial negotiation, I tell them it’s one payment for the day, including all travel expenses, and negotiate from there.

People call it “transportation money” for convenience, but in reality, it’s compensation for enduring a dinner date with an older man you’re not even interested in. This is seriously true. If you hand it over saying, “It’s just the usual rule,” your likability will drop instantly, regardless of the amount. The fact that you’re asking everyone for their opinions gives off the impression that you’re doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) out of obligation—not because you genuinely want to meet a wonderful woman. Women can see right through that immediately, so be careful. It’s me.

Thank you for your question. I’ll answer as Maezawa as well. “I have no objection to giving it.” Regarding “have no objection to,” though: According to the FY2013 “Public Opinion Survey on the Japanese Language,” only about 30% of people correctly understood the meaning of this expression. More than 40% mistakenly thought it meant “to do something reluctantly.” (a) Do it gladly・・・・・・・・・・・・・・33.8% (b) Do it reluctantly・・・・・・・・・・・・43.7% (c) Both (a) and (b)・・・・・・・・・・・・2.4% (d) A completely different meaning・・・・・・6.2% Don’t know・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・14.0% So which meaning did you intend? The original meaning is “to do something gladly.” Therefore, if you’re using Japanese correctly, it would mean: “I’ll gladly give her money for transportation.” In that case, there’s no longer any point in asking the question—you should simply give it to her gladly. That said, looking at the whole passage, it seems you’re actually using it to mean, “I don’t really want to pay, but I suppose I could do it reluctantly.” But what other people do doesn’t really matter. If you want to give it to her gladly, she’ll probably be happy, and that should reduce the chance of her breaking things off with you. Still, seeing that you’re asking this question, I’m more concerned that your allowance may be low than about the transportation money itself. > It wouldn’t cost much to get to the possible meeting locations. Honestly, I find this way of thinking hard to believe. That’s not the point you should be focusing on. “Will giving her transportation money make me a gentleman under the Universe membership rules?” “If I don’t give it to her, does that mean I’m not a gentleman and need to quit?” These aren’t things you really need to worry about either. But if you can’t even think about the fundamental question of how to develop a relationship with a woman, then the bare minimum is to consider whether your behavior violates the rules. First, think about whether your actions are truly gentlemanly, and how a gentleman would behave. This isn’t about saying you must give her transportation money every time. You’re going on a date with a woman you genuinely like, after all, so the real question is: how can you make sure both of you feel it was a good experience? If she’ll be satisfied with just the allowance, that may be enough. But if you think giving her transportation money—10,000 yen—would make it a better date, then you should give it to her. You could even start by taking her to a luxury brand store when you meet and buying her one thing she wants. That alone could make a big difference. On the other hand, even if you simply start at a coffee shop, there’s nothing wrong with that if she has a good time. In short, what matters is whether she feels: “I’m glad I met such a great man.” “I had a wonderful time.” That said, it’s hard to know what the best choice is. So at first, if you’re unsure, it’s generally better to choose the more generous option. In this case, if you’re unsure whether to give her transportation money or not, I think you should give it to her. Of course, if you don’t have enough money and giving her transportation money would bankrupt you, I think you’d be better off leaving the dating club and looking through an app instead. Apps probably don’t have rules specifying whether you’re a gentleman. Some people even think that if they want to make one million yen a month, they just need to meet 50 women. That’s assuming you genuinely don’t have enough financial leeway, but I think everyone should find a setting that suits them and pursue relationships there. Please don’t overextend yourself.

Usually, “transportation expenses” means a set amount for the first meeting, and after that, only the agreed allowance is paid. But it’s also possible that the woman misunderstood what “transportation expenses” meant. If the amount were less than she expected, I’d simply stop contacting her without saying anything. That’s why I think Paper Airplane’s approach is best. Marika

You seem to think the allowance is just transportation costs… like the train fare. That’s not it. When meeting a man, women spend money preparing in all sorts of ways—going to the salon, buying clothes and shoes, and so on. On top of that, there are transportation costs, and sometimes we even have to take time off work to accept an offer. So when you factor in all of that, ¥10,000 is nowhere near enough. What do you think? Do you understand now?

If it’s “not a significant amount of money,” then she’ll be happy if you give it to her. Call it travel expenses, taxi fare, train fare—any excuse will do. She’ll be happy to receive it. If you feel like giving her something, then give it to her. You don’t have to give it to her specifically as transportation money on the first day. There are plenty of little things that make someone happy, even if they’re things you don’t have to give or do, things other people wouldn’t do. I think it can be anything. I think it’s best to be with a woman who makes you think about these things and want to do something nice for her—rather than someone you wouldn’t even think to ask a question like this about…

If you’re referring to the transportation money for the first meeting, it’s like the “travel honorarium” you might receive when invited to give a lecture. It isn’t reimbursement for the actual travel expenses; in practice, it’s a token of appreciation. The club also has a rule that a certain minimum amount must be given at the first meeting. From the second meeting onward, though, it’s a matter for the two people involved to discuss. Whether it’s dinner only or an adult relationship (intimate), the allowance is simply the allowance. My understanding is that the amount you agree on is what you give, and that the first-meeting amount isn’t automatically added on top each time. That said, women vary. Some think the amount they receive for an adult relationship is the first-meeting amount plus the allowance you discussed. Some state this explicitly, while others simply assume it’s obvious and react with something like, “Huh?” when you hand over the money after the adult relationship. As the man, I think it’s best to be prepared for every possibility. Since in most cases the agreed allowance is understood to be the total amount, I’d start by giving that. If she reacts with “Huh?”, say, “Oh, I thought the amount we discussed was the total. Was that not the case? Sorry,” and add to it. Getting into a messy argument at that point isn’t very smooth. Once the total allowance is clear, it’s up to you whether you want to meet again under those terms. You can negotiate the terms if you want. If you’d like to continue, it’s best to communicate carefully in person. If you’re fine with ending things, it’s better to discuss it over LINE after saying goodbye, since the moment things fall apart can become quite awkward. I hope this helps. Taro