I think my boyfriend of two months, who’s 13 years older than me, is about to break up with me.
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What can I do to keep him from letting go?
I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 40. I work in healthcare, and my hospital still requires me to take COVID precautions.
Last week, he told me he had a fever and couldn’t stop coughing. I texted him, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” and he said he wanted some Weider jelly and cream puffs, so I bought them and took them to his apartment.
Since I was worried about COVID, I had him take a test, but fortunately it was negative.
That day, I made some udon that was easy to eat at his place, and then left soon afterward.
He was coughing constantly and looked really miserable, so I refrained from contacting him for about five days.
Then he messaged me, “How have you been? I still can’t stop coughing.” I replied, “Take care. Let’s see each other again once you’re feeling better!”
Then Valentine’s Day came, but since he still hadn’t stopped coughing, we decided not to meet. I sent him a message saying, “It’s Valentine’s Day!” and he replied:
“This puts me in an awkward position. Normally, you’re supposed to give someone chocolate and say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day!’”
So I answered, “But you’re sick! lol”
And then, unbelievably, he said, “I understand how you feel. But our values and way of thinking are just too different, so let’s break up. Thanks for everything, even though it was only for a short time!”
I was completely blindsided....
After work, I went to his place, but he said, “You can come in, I guess. I’m playing a game right now.”
He told me he couldn’t talk for long because he had a battle coming up and was responsible for his chat group, all while continuing to play.
To make matters worse, he even said, “I’m concentrating on my game right now, so I really want you to leave as soon as possible.”
According to him, “If my girlfriend had a fever, I’d contact her more often and go visit her. You barely ever message me, and even though I gave you a spare key, you never come to my place. That made me lose feelings.”
When I asked, “Do you not like me anymore?” he said, “I don’t know right now.”
I went home that day and later texted him:
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize you felt that way. I really don’t want to break up.”
He only replied:
“Okay. I still can’t stop coughing, so I’ll contact you once it gets better.”
Is he trying to let things fizzle out naturally?
Would it be okay to message him around Saturday and ask, “Are you feeling all right?”
Or should I wait for him to contact me?
And in this situation, is getting back together already out of the question...?
If we do break up, I’m thinking of registering with a dating club out of spite....
They come across as quite self-centered, but if you still love them, of course you want to get back together.
It sounds like they want you to take the initiative, so why not try reaching out or even visiting their home?
I’m rooting for you and hope you can reconcile.
Tatsuaki Dan
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If I were you, I’d end things with someone that troublesome. That’s perfectly fine. I’m not comfortable with people who only ever talk about themselves…
If you like him, you can reach out first, but think carefully about whether he’s really worth it.
I wouldn’t recommend signing up with a club out of frustration. Please think calmly before you act.
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I might be the exact opposite of the person asking this question.
Even if my boyfriend had the flu or COVID, I’d be so worried that I’d go to his place with some supplies. I wouldn’t actually go inside, of course, but I’d buy food, drinks, and whatever else he might need and leave them outside.
I’d say, “Are you okay? Let me know when you’re feeling better,” while probably contacting him every day anyway. I think I’m the clingy type.
There are all kinds of people, so maybe he and the person asking this question simply weren’t compatible.
That said, anyone who can’t even think, “What if I infect her?” probably doesn’t truly care about you, so I think it’s best to say goodbye.
But if you love him, there’s no helping it. It’s okay to keep loving him wholeheartedly. You can love him as much as you want until you finally feel, “I’m done.” Contact him if you want to, or wait if you’re able to hold out until he reaches out.
You might eventually wonder, “Why did I do so much for someone like this?” But even so, I think being able to devote yourself so deeply to someone you love is a kind of happiness.
I don’t think you should join a dating club out of spite, since that would be disrespectful to the people who make you offers. If it’s something you genuinely want to do, then go ahead and register.
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Even after finding out the test was negative, you stopped messaging him and didn’t go over to his place to see him?
I feel the same way as that man.
You, the person asking this question… there’s no love there.
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I can understand signing up when you’re heartbroken and lonely, but signing up out of desperation?
It’s unfair to those who are making a serious effort, so please quit.
I don’t want to make an offer to someone who’s acting recklessly.
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What is this rambling, incoherent wall of text supposed to be…? I stopped reading halfway through.
I can’t understand why you’re even considering trying to hold on to a man with such awful attitudes. Why not just break up with him?
At the very least, try to think it over once you’ve calmed down enough to write something a little more concise and organized.
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Would a 40-year-old man really act that way toward a 26-year-old woman?
Either way, in love, there’s some truth to the idea that the one who falls harder loses.
I don’t think anything good will come from pursuing him while things are like this.
Come to think of it, I once made an offer to a woman who had signed up out of desperation after her fiancé cheated on her on Tinder, even though they had already decided to get married.
I backed off just before we slept together and ended up deleting my account, though…
You might as well sign up out of desperation too, haha.
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Dump that shitty guy and come join a dating club.
Men over 40 who are still single are perverts—including me.
Apparently, COVID and this year’s cold can leave you coughing for a long time. Any guy who doesn’t take precautions, like taking codeine, is an idiot.
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If I were in your shoes, I’d say goodbye. After only two months together, I wouldn’t want to hold on to a boyfriend who acts like, “Go home—I want to play games.”
It’s a little late now, but if you were going to stop contacting him, you probably should have said something like, “Your cough sounds pretty bad, so I’ll give you some space for a while,” or, “I’m worried about COVID, so we can’t meet for a while, but feel free to contact me anytime if you need anything.”
Whether you break up or not, since you went to the trouble of posting in the dating club Q&A, why not take this opportunity to go for an interview? You may not be able to go on dates because of “COVID precautions,” though…
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Who knows?
Also, even with that last line added, I still don’t think this is a question about papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). You’d be better off posting it on a fiction site or a general Q&A site.
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