I'm nearly 50. When we were entering a love hotel, my partner said, “If you look at us objectively from the outside, we must seem disgusting,” and I was left feeling sad afterward. When I was a little younger, I remembered feeling embarrassed being seen anywhere with a papa (a male supporter) more than 20 years older than me. I'm sorry. Have I become someone others find disgusting too? Should I retire from this club, where they give me a renewal interview every time, even though I’ve been doing this to maintain my sense of beauty? I always wanted to keep being a woman until the day I die—putting on makeup and dressing up—but imagining that people see me as an old-fashioned nuisance has made me feel sad.

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