There’s a salaried man in his 30s who gives me 100,000 yen each time we meet.
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He tries to see me two or three times a month, so he’s spending quite a bit on me, and he seems to want me to date him with marriage in mind.
I joined for the money, so (though I imagine most women feel this way) I have mixed feelings. Is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) about continuing to see someone like this while vaguely giving him hope…?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
One golden rule for people who make their living with their bodies is: “Don’t lead people on.”
I would never show anyone but my main girlfriend a “future,” and I never promise marriage or say we’re in a relationship.
If someone asks, “Are we dating?” I’ll say, “No, we’re not.”
You can only keep someone tied to you through your own appeal. And if you give them an extra “boost” by making promises about the future, then when you finally say, “This relationship ends today,” it could turn into a bloody ending at worst. This also includes cases where the other person puts that “boost” on themselves without you asking.
A host who played the romance card was stabbed a little while ago, wasn’t he?
You’re more likely to stay alive longer if you don’t play the romance card.
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I think it’s a good idea to regularly express how grateful you are for the allowance and remind him that this is an allowance-based relationship.
As for marriage, don’t say anything that sounds like you agree with it, such as “I see” or “That sounds nice.” If anything, it may be best to maintain the stance that you have no intention of getting married at all.
If he leaves because of that, you may have to give up on receiving a generous allowance. But more important—and probably more difficult—than getting as much allowance as possible from him is ending things without him becoming a stalker, just as everyone has said.
Marika
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As everyone says, it can turn into stalking or criminal behavior, and in serious cases, even an actual incident.
People might even accuse him of marriage fraud, so if it were me, I’d prioritize my safety over the money right in front of me. :(›´ω`‹ ):
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I’m usually on the night shift, but there haven’t been many questions posted at night lately, so I’m going back and answering some older ones.
Basically, papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) is amateur escorting, so you don’t need any special skills or sophisticated techniques. Every now and then, you get someone who mistakes herself for a top hostess, but it’s about as cringey as someone scoring in the 90s at karaoke and thinking they’re a professional. That said, one thing about dating clubs is that people rarely tell those women bluntly to their faces. It’s wonderfully adult in that sense, but I also feel like it makes it hard to develop good talent and lets fools run rampant.
As for your question, if you’ve found a well-paying client who’s genuinely serious about you, that’s nothing but a business opportunity. You might as well keep him interested and draw out as much money, merchandise, and other benefits as you can. Just don’t tell any outright lies. There’s some leeway depending on how the other person interprets what you say, so learn to use wording that isn’t technically untrue. The important thing is to return their feelings in the moment. If you string them along too much in advance, it becomes fraud. Ideally, even if you never see him again after today, you should leave him with a dream and memories he can look back on fondly. Above all, don’t leave him feeling indebted—settle things properly that same day. If you do that, then whatever happens afterward is the man’s problem.
Men who walk into this gray area completely lost in a fantasy are 100% at fault, but using such men as targets and successfully reeling them in does become experience. If you keep doing it, you gradually stop being an ordinary woman. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing in terms of survival of the fittest—it is, after all, the wild side of things. But these days, people with that much of a wild streak are the ones considered abnormal.
I think you should consider all of that before deciding how you want to proceed. The only thing I can say for certain is that once you move forward, you can’t go back. So this is a fairly important turning point. It’s not about what other people are doing; it’s a decision about how you yourself want to live.
Taro
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> He seems to want a relationship with marriage in mind.
I think it depends on whether he actually said that or whether things have simply started to feel that way.
If it’s only the general atmosphere, and he hasn’t actually brought up marriage, then he seems like the kind of man who has enough restraint not to cross the line. In other words, if you start feeling the same way, he’d want to pursue it—but if you don’t, he’ll accept that it ultimately means saying goodbye.
So I think it’s fine for you to take the stance of dating him for now, without knowing what the future holds. You could tell him something like, “I might become serious about this in the future, but for now, this is still a papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) relationship.”
If the man doesn’t seem to have much self-restraint, there’s a possibility he could become a stalker after you try to end things, so I think you should be careful about how you approach the breakup.
I don’t hear many stories about men becoming stalkers through Universe, but that may simply be because both parties leave the service afterward, or because one of them leaves and the story never reaches us.
Apparently, though, many people do consult the police about these situations.
P.S.
> Since there haven’t been many nighttime questions lately…
Recently, people who disguise filthy opinions as seemingly silly questions have been hanging around here, and I feel that even those who genuinely have something they want to ask no longer feel comfortable posting questions.
It seems similar to how ordinary people stop posting on a message board when it’s overrun with trolls.
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I’ve had papas say things like, “I’ll divorce my wife and marry you,” but I’ve hardly ever dated someone who was single from the start.
That said, if you’re talking about them genuinely falling for you, I don’t think it can last very long—two years at most, maybe. The other person will build up frustration and anxiety, become emotionally unstable, and eventually you won’t be able to handle it either.
You should especially avoid “giving hope and stringing along” a single man in his 30s. Since single men have more free time than married men, there’s also a higher chance that following you around will turn into stalking.
When I break things off with a papa who’s become too emotionally invested, I act cold and give off the impression that I’m not the ideal woman he thinks I am, so that he’ll lose interest—or rather, give up. But as Mac-san wrote, even “the least troublesome way” is pretty difficult.
So, to prevent things from turning into a real mess, keep a reasonable distance and stick to seeing him two or three times a month. Keep insisting that you “want to get married but can’t.” You could also say things like, “You’re so kind, I’m sure a wonderful woman will come along and make a great wife for you.”
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At men’s esthe salons, there are generous (well-paying) papas who talk about marriage, propose, or otherwise act that way—not just with popular girls, but with ordinary girls too.
They’ll sometimes book a girl for the entire day every time. Some even genuinely believe she’ll date them if she quits her job.
The girls don’t feel that way at all.
Also, some customers who act like generous papas only see that one girl, while others secretly visit a different girl at the same salon the very next day.
These generous papas are probably used to misunderstanding things and having them not work out throughout their lives, so you don’t need to worry about it.
They’ll keep building up their own fantasies even without you giving them hope, so there’s no need to encourage them.
In fact, it’s fine to be somewhat dismissive…
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If you keep spending money on a woman in a classy, respectful way, PJ girls sometimes end up asking you to marry them. I have a little over five million yen in experiences like that.
On the other hand, even if you offer a huge amount, using money in a tacky way won’t move a woman’s heart.
If the questioner’s papa had hidden his feelings and handed over the money smoothly, he might not have had a real shot, but he could at least have had a tiny chance. What a waste.
It’s the same with men’s esthetic salons. If only they wouldn’t touch the girls, something good might happen—why do they have to touch them? Whether it’s an PJ girl, a men’s esthetic worker, or a lounge hostess, the moment a man lets his true intentions show while trying to win a woman over, he’s guaranteed to lose. It’s basically throwing money down the drain. Such a waste.
Edit:
Men’s esthetic workers, lounge hostesses, and even Universe Club’s Type A girls are won over during the “first date.” No matter how often you visit or how much money you spend, you can’t win them over afterward. Women have already made up their minds during the first meeting, and it’s practically impossible to change that.
Please pass this message on to the questioner’s papa. (Though I guess you can’t, haha.)
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I occasionally hear stories like that from the women I’m seeing, so I imagine there are a certain number of men like that.
Personally, I don’t think this is the place to look for someone to date as a boyfriend or to marry. Since these men usually end up causing trouble for the women involved, I can’t help but feel a bit conflicted about it.
That said, I don’t think the questioner needs to feel conflicted. Looking at the purpose of the club, I’d say the men are in the wrong from the outset.
There are examples of people getting married on the club’s website, but that’s simply how things turned out; I doubt marriage was the premise from the beginning.
Perhaps they’re only saying “with marriage in mind” after a pseudo-romantic relationship has progressed to that point. I don’t have a huge sample size, but I’ve heard from women about quite a few men like this whose relationships became complicated, so I think it’s worth keeping that in mind.
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Rather than just dangling vague hints of a future and carrying on, I think relationships between men and women are built over time, regardless of where or how people meet. If you enjoy being together and things feel good between you, why not continue the relationship as it is?
It may eventually lead to marriage, or you may part ways.
Whether people meet naturally or through a dating club, the fact remains that they’ve met and formed a connection. Some people have even gotten married after meeting that way, so I think it’s worth cherishing the relationship.
That said, it sounds like you need the money right now, so I don’t think you should abandon that boundary. There’s no need to decide right away—you can wait until you’ve been seeing each other for a year or two before drawing any conclusions.
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