A woman I met through Universe, whom I’ve been seeing for two years, suddenly told me, “I want to die.” Please tell me what she might be feeling and what I can do to help.
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She’s 26, and we’ve had a monthly arrangement for about a year.
We’re quite close—we message each other every day and occasionally talk on the phone.
She’s always been cheerful and kind, and if anything, I’ve been the one receiving comfort from her.
She suddenly muttered, completely straight-faced, that she wanted to die, then returned to her usual gentle, cheerful mood as if nothing had happened.
However, she seemed to have tears welling up in her eyes. I’m ashamed to admit that I was so shaken in the moment that I couldn’t do anything.
I’m worried that something may have happened, and despite the nature of our relationship, I can’t help wondering whether there’s anything I can do to support her.
But if she doesn’t want to talk about it, would it be best to treat her as usual and act as though nothing happened?
I’m not seeing anyone else, and I intend to stay that way until the day we part ways. She doesn’t seem to be seeing anyone other than me, either—probably, anyway (lol). It’s enough that I believe that to be the case.
I can’t answer any more than this because it would get too personal, but this is something I can only ask in a place like this, so I decided to post it.
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂50s👑Universe male member
Ah, Kamihikoki-san’s answer really is the best. I couldn’t agree more.
I don’t think it’s about specific techniques or how you communicate, but rather your attitude toward the other person. If you can get that right, you’ll be fine. Even if you make mistakes, you can recover—and you may even be able to help someone. Things won’t always work out, but you’ll learn from them, and in the end, I feel they’ll enrich your life. That’s just how I see it, so maybe others would call it self-satisfaction. But I’ll carry this with me until I die, so I don’t think it’s something I take lightly.
You weren’t there yet before, but I think you’ve reached that point now. It’s impressive that you sensed it—you clearly have good instincts. Please make use of the wisdom shared by those who came before you. They’re expressing things that can’t be conveyed in words. Whether you can truly take it in is up to you.
Wishing you the best. “Have a good life” doesn’t quite capture it… May you have a rich and deeply fulfilling life.
Taro
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If they said they want to die, it’s probably best not to get involved.
What would you do if you provoked them and they ended up taking their own life? What if they wrote your name in their suicide note?
It’s better to quietly distance yourself. Unless you’re a professional, please don’t engage with someone who has bipolar disorder. It’s very difficult, and there are things you must not say. Don’t provoke them unnecessarily.
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This may sound pretty suspicious coming out of nowhere—and I’m a pretty suspicious person to begin with—but I’ll answer for the first time in a while.
If you ask, “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” and papa-katsu itself is the reason she wants to die, then you’re actually part of the cause.
In that case, she may think, “What is this guy talking about?” and it could backfire. So if papa-katsu is the cause, the only forceful measure you can take is giving her an extra allowance. That won’t solve the problem, though.
First, it’s important to determine whether the cause is papa-katsu or something else.
Even if you decide papa-katsu isn’t the cause, I think it’s safest to start with something like, “I’m sorry if I’m the reason. I’ll do whatever I can to make things right.” That may make it easier for her to open up and say, “You’re not the reason. It’s actually this and that…”
That said, in this particular case, I believe the cause is papa-katsu. Actually, I’m certain of it.
So what would I do? I’d give her the monthly allowance without bringing any of this up, and I wouldn’t try to arrange a meeting. I’d simply watch how things develop and follow her pace. Since there’s no real solution, I’d give her some time to rest.
I’m a negative, gloomy person, so this is just my own speculation, but she might be thinking:
“Ugh. I’ve been doing papa-katsu for the past few years and did make some money, but I wasted quite a bit too, so I don’t have much left. And even after doing papa-katsu, there’s ultimately nothing to show for it. If I hadn’t done papa-katsu and had just found a boyfriend and gotten married, maybe I’d have a happy family by now. Ugh. What am I even doing… I want to die.”
Going up to someone like that with a worried look and asking, “Is something troubling you?” is like a complete deviant grinning as he steps into a minefield.
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I’m also the kind of person who wants to genuinely engage with and build a relationship with the women I date.
Since she seems to be withdrawing right now, I think all you can do is give her some space for the time being.
She may be dealing with something she’s keeping bottled up, so the first step is probably to get her to open up about it. When you see her as usual, try casually asking whether something happened.
Talking about it might help her feel better, and once the problem is clear, it may be surprisingly easy to deal with.
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Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to help within this kind of relationship.
I married someone like that because I wanted to take her to the hospital.
Unless you feel strongly enough that you’d be willing to become a family with her, it’s probably best not to get involved.
It may be temporary, or perhaps you’ve caught a glimpse of her darker side, but I don’t think this is something money can solve.
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I can’t go into detail here, but I was once told, “Let’s die. Let’s all die together as a family.”
Naturally, anyone looking from the outside would have seen it as that serious. But I think only the people involved can truly understand what was going on.
At the time, in response to those words, I simply said, “Yeah, you’re right,” and “Let’s do it.” When you genuinely empathize with someone, all you can do is acknowledge what they’re saying.
In the questioner’s case as well, I think what matters is whether the woman can feel and understand that you truly get what she’s going through and empathize with her deeply.
No matter where you met, it’s possible to have her see it as a genuine encounter.
However, it starts with fully understanding that meeting through a club began not as a romantic encounter, but as an entirely different kind of arrangement—a simple contract.
Also, I think papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) should ideally involve meeting in a way that gives the woman comfort, peace of mind, enjoyment, and, in addition, a sense of stability. If the man is always the one being comforted, you could almost say he’s failed as a papa (a male supporter).
—Paper Airplane
When a woman says something that serious, she watches the man’s expression, his words, and his reaction. She judges him more by his expression than by what he says.
The more courage it takes for her to say those words (though that doesn’t seem to be the case here), the more that moment could affect the relationship for the rest of their lives.
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I’m worried that something may have happened, and even though this is the kind of relationship it is, I can’t help wondering if there’s anything I can do to help.
Tell him just that. If he doesn’t say anything, then there’s probably nothing you can do—and he likely doesn’t want you to do anything either. If he still wants to see you, just treat him normally.
It’s best not to think, “I want to know what happened,” or “I’ll solve this for him.”
Honestly, though, it’s best not to get involved.
Marika
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I’m Misato, a female member.
If he says, “I want to die,” something truly serious must have happened.
People don’t usually say that easily, so the fact that he told you may mean he trusts you and wants some kind of help.
You could gently ask, “If you’re comfortable talking about it, I’m worried—may I ask what happened?”
If he says he doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t press any further. Just comfort him gently.
People who want to talk can feel better simply by being listened to.
I think it would be good to consider what he needs—and what he doesn’t.
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Relationships in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) can feel close, yet still be so distant.
If she’s only made a brief comment, you still don’t really know what’s going on. And even if you try saying various reassuring things, she might reject you with something like, “What could you possibly understand about me?”
Also, people in their teens and twenties have lower rates of suicide attempts than other age groups, and most people who have suicidal thoughts don’t act on them.
Even so, if you really want to be of some help, I sometimes feel that money may be the only thing you can offer.
I don’t know the details of what this woman is like, but I’ve heard people say that having 10 million yen can cure depression, so maybe that’s what it ultimately comes down to. It may be unfortunate, but people can’t live on kind words alone…
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Hmm, that does sound concerning…
I went through something similar in my teens. I became depressed from comparing myself to others and was consumed by suicidal thoughts. In the end, I changed my environment and made a full recovery. I even reached a point where I could honestly say I was happier than the people I had once thought were better than me.
Since you said they’re acting as if nothing happened, they may not want to be pressed about it any further.
If I were a financially comfortable man, I’d probably just say, “I’ll give you this in case you ever need it,” and “Thanks for everything,” without asking any questions, and give them about six months’ worth of their monthly allowance.
If they asked me about it, I’d just brush it off casually with something like, “I got a little unexpected income, haha.”
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If nothing like that had ever happened during the two years, it may just be that something unpleasant happened to her by chance. You could help her relieve some stress by listening to her, buying her something she wants—or perhaps simply accompanying her shopping.
You could also take her out for some good food or to a hot spring.
If something similar has happened before, she may be the type who regularly goes through depressed phases, and she’s probably aware of it herself.
In that case, I think all you can really do is wait until she returns to her usual self.
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