People who tend to develop serious feelings can easily become anxious at the slightest change in the other person, thinking, “Have they started to dislike me?” They often express that anxiety as anger or demands. Since their emotions come through more strongly than their actual words, arguing head-on will only make them push back twice as hard. Even when you explain practical reasons, such as your period or other plans, their anxiety tends to overpower their understanding, which is probably why things become complicated.
If, as in this case, your shopping plans suddenly change and he says, “Let’s meet as usual,” it may help to first gently acknowledge his anxiety, then calmly explain your situation. That might prevent a confrontation.
For example:
“I do want to see you, of course. But as I mentioned earlier, I’m not feeling well, so I don’t think I can stay for a long time today. Rather than forcing myself to act cheerful, I’d prefer to spend some quiet, relaxed time talking.”
Leading with an attitude of “I’m not rejecting you” can make it less likely that his anger will be triggered.
Also, if he complains, “So you don’t want to see me if we can’t be intimate?” I think that’s because he has too strong a connection between physical intimacy and affection. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doubts your worth. Rather than responding directly with, “That’s not what this is about,” it may be gentler to say:
“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I’m just not feeling well—it doesn’t mean my feelings have changed.”
Gently reassuring him that “I’m not cutting you off” is probably the calmest way to settle things.
That said, honestly speaking, people like this can become more dependent the more you accommodate their demands, so you’ll need to calmly reestablish your boundaries again and again.
“I do want to see you, but my health comes first today. If I push myself, it could affect when we’re able to meet next, so I’m going to take it easy today.”
I think the key to maintaining a long-term relationship is to respond with a gentle but unwavering attitude.
You’re not doing anything wrong. I think his anxiety is simply too strong. If you continue maintaining a respectful distance, he may gradually learn to follow your pace.
I hope you’re able to continue your papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) with as much peace of mind as possible. Take care of yourself, and don’t push too hard(^^)
If he’s a papa (a male supporter) who buys me expensive things, I’ll act sweet and say, “I like being intimate, so let’s meet when I’m feeling well and not on my period~.”
If he’s a low-paying papa, I’ll say, “Forget the present—just give me a little cash.” If he says no, I’ll cut ties.
