There’s a man who seems to think that money is only involved when we spend time at a hotel.
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To be honest, I’d like him to take the allowance into consideration for the entire time we’re together. How can I ask him about this without coming across as rude?
Also, even though we were at a restaurant with no private rooms and the tables were very close together, he suddenly started talking about how I am in bed, what we do, and other sexual topics. I was shocked.
I appreciated him paying for the meal, but when I told him that conversations like that could be overheard in public and asked him to refrain from them, he got upset.
How should I deal with a short-tempered man without causing unnecessary conflict?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
I feel the same way, to some extent.
I’m not really a fan of putting things into categories like “in a room” versus “somewhere else.”
Even with papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), despite the age gap, it’s still a relationship between a man and a woman. So I think it’s best to look at the arrangement as a whole, rather than judging based solely on whether it involves a room or not.
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That papa has gotten it into his head that this is how things should be.
The beginning is crucial. When you first meet somewhere other than a private room, you need to clearly state the terms: how much for dinner only, and how much for spending this many hours on a date.
If you go along with it at first without saying anything, that becomes the default, and it’ll be difficult to change things later.
After all, papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) involves money, so there’s no need to continue if it means making yourself uncomfortable.
Tell him clearly, even if you’re prepared to end things. If you do break up, wait for offers from other papas.
With your next papa, don’t forget that the beginning is crucial.
I hope you can enjoy papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) with a new papa.
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I’m looking forward to the column. Thank you.
He’s short-tempered and not exactly impressive. I guess it comes down to whether the allowance is generous enough overall to make him worth putting up with.
Alternatively, you could just let him hurry you off to a hotel and steer things toward that one thing right away.
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I don’t think you can—or should try to—change his stance through conversation. If it’s only a short-term arrangement, it’ll be even more exhausting.
People generally don’t accept information they don’t want to hear.
Honestly, I think it’s better not to force yourself to meet someone who can’t follow the basic rules of papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). Since becoming an answerer, I’ve come to realize that people like this continue to exist because others put up with them, allowing their behavior to go unchecked. Of course, there are plenty of unreasonable women on the other side too.
That said, we haven’t heard the man’s side of the story this time, so I can’t really make a judgment. Just something to consider.
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If you feel even slightly uncomfortable with either of the two things mentioned in the question, I think it’s best to end the relationship.
The reason is that even if you feel that way, it can be difficult to say it out loud. So if you’re already feeling uncomfortable, I think you’re simply not a good match.
Basically, I think a papa (a male supporter) is someone who tries to fulfill a woman’s wishes—even her little whims. Of course, some men may instead want the woman to fulfill their wishes.
What should you do in that case?
Since this isn’t a job, I don’t think you need to go out of your way to meet him.
What you’re feeling is completely natural. If the relationship is going to work as papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), he should make sure you don’t feel uncomfortable about expressing those feelings.
I think you should find someone who is more willing to fulfill your wishes and whims.
You should be able to decide how you arrange meetings, how you spend your time together, where you go, what you eat, what you’d like to ask for, and so on.
There are surely papas who enjoy seeing a woman having fun and looking happy.
Compared with spending time with friends of the same age and gender, you can go places you normally couldn’t, do what you want without worrying about being considerate, meet whenever you feel like it, and eat, shop, and go wherever you want without spending your own money. You can even enjoy some luxuries, spend time however you like without having to worry about anything, and receive a fairly generous allowance on top of that.
Without those benefits, it would be difficult to bridge the gender and age gaps—and there probably wouldn’t be much reason or incentive to want to meet in the first place.
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>Some men believe that no money is involved for any time spent together outside of the hotel.
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>To be honest, I’d like them to consider an allowance for the entire time we spend together.
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>I understand that almost every woman probably feels this way, so I give an allowance even when we’re just having dinner.
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>There are two women I absolutely adore—my ace and one other—whose rate is the same for adult relationships and dates without intimacy.
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>There used to be one more, but she has since graduated from papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), and I don’t even give her transportation money anymore. She comes to see me on her own.
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>Seattle-san asked me to write about her, so I turned her story into a column. It may or may not be published eventually.
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>There are also women whose rates differ between adult relationships and other dates. With women like that, we have an unspoken understanding that we’ll only meet for adult dates.
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>From a woman’s perspective, if she can receive 10 for the same two hours instead of 2, she’ll choose 10. I’ve only ever met one woman who made the exception.
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First of all, regarding the first point:
What do you think of a man who believes that every moment spent with a woman should involve payment? However, he doesn’t make much of a difference in the rate between time spent at a hotel and time spent elsewhere.
Ultimately, it comes down to whether the total arrangement feels worthwhile to you. Maybe you could increase the amount by spending a little more time at the hotel.
Next, short-tempered men are such a hassle. Even if you can put up with it a little when your time outside the hotel is also compensated, it’s hard to tolerate if no money is involved.
You could either put up with it in exchange for being treated to lots of things, or lecture him knowing he might lose his temper. It’s a tough call.
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Let’s look at it from the opposite perspective.
“Some women believe money should be involved even for time spent outside the hotel.
When I talked in public about what happened in bed, the activities involved, and sexual jokes, she was shocked. She told me to avoid those topics because it could cause problems if people overheard us.”
If someone felt that way about you, would you really change your own views or behavior just because they happened to phrase something rather skillfully?
I think you should communicate your own thoughts and wishes, and avoid forcing yourself to continue seeing someone who isn’t a good match.
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> How can I ask a man for this without being rude?
However you ask, I don’t think it will get through because you see things differently.
So first, try to anticipate the situation and figure out what allowance would make the time spent outside the hotel worthwhile for you.
For example, if you expect two hours at the hotel plus about two hours spent elsewhere, decide in advance how much you would be comfortable receiving for the full four hours.
Then, when a man invites you to the hotel, only continue seeing men who are okay with that allowance. I think it will reduce your stress.
If it looks like things will take longer than four hours, and you haven’t gone to the hotel yet, you can say something like you’re eager to get intimate and head to the hotel sooner.
If you’re already done at the hotel, you could say:
“I’d love to spend more time together, but you were so good that my legs are already shaking. Ask me out again sometime.”
Then say goodbye and go home.
I think it’s best to find ways to handle things that you’re comfortable with and that won’t upset the other person.
> How should I deal with short-tempered men without causing friction?
In that case, all you can really do is put up with it. No matter what you say, a short-tempered man will get irritated.
If you don’t want to put up with that, end things once you realize he’s short-tempered.
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