The moment he started wearing matching outfits, going through your shopping bags, and looking at your work documents, you should’ve ended things immediately, lol. Why drag it out? You need to deal with it sooner.
Also, in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), you’re out of luck if you allow things you don’t like. If you don’t say you’re uncomfortable, it becomes the default.
Tell him as soon and as politely as possible via LINE that you’re ending things. Add, “If you come to my house or start stalking me, I’ll contact the police.”
Hopefully you have offers from other papas…
As an aside:
Dealing with a stalker or having a relationship with a strange person is much like a territorial dispute between countries.
If someone does something you don’t like, you need to clearly protest or show that you’re prepared to take action. Otherwise, they’ll keep pushing the limits.
If you keep letting things slide and make them think, “I’ve gotten away with this much, so surely I can go further,” it can escalate into violence—or, between countries, from a border dispute into a full-scale war.
The person who asked this question needs to stop making excuses and clearly tell her papa (a male supporter), “I don’t like this. Please stop.”
At this rate, it seems like her increasingly emboldened papa could completely ruin her life.
To keep this from turning into one of those cautionary tales about a papa-katsu girl’s downfall, she needs to push back with everything she has—including getting a warning from the police about his stalking.
I really liked Mac’s answer this time.
I think Mac is a dyed-in-the-wool pervert (in a good way!), but this was an amazing response that took a deep look at the behavioral patterns of people with particular kinks.
They say that women who are shy and don’t fight back—or at least appear that way—are more likely to be victims of groping. A woman I used to date, who was the kind of high-energy girl who would dance at clubs until morning, told me she had never been groped. She had a strong desire for attention, and now has 50,000 Instagram followers（笑）
Another woman was short and cute, with an air that made it seem like she couldn’t say no when someone came on to her. She said she was constantly being groped. But since her personality was completely different from her appearance, she would grab the arm that was touching her, say something like, “What do you think you’re doing?” and hand the person over to the police. Even when we were dating, she always had several lawsuits in progress. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she told me, “The trick is to twist their arm just a little when you grab it.”
Her first boyfriend of four years was a lawyer, so perhaps she had no reservations about lawsuits. As an aside, she was also a woman who fully demonstrated everything her first boyfriend had taught her in bed. It was an experience that greatly reinforced my preconceived notion that all lawyers are total perverts (in a good way!). I’m very grateful for that time.
There’s a saying in the financial industry: “Risk isn’t something to avoid; it’s something to manage.” In that sense, I hope the questioner will take Mac’s advice to heart, skillfully manage the current papa’s particular proclivities (in a good way!), and build a relationship that can continue.
Taro
I see, so that’s what happened.
> We both felt awkward, so neither of us brought it up.
That’s the problem.
You may have simply felt awkward, but he’s probably thinking, “This girl will go along with my stalker-like fetish of following people—excellent, I’ve cleared the first stage.”
I’m not trying to scare you. That possibility is quite high.
Did you ask why he and his wife separated? He’d probably only give you a sanitized version, even if you did, but it’s possible she could no longer tolerate his jealousy and controlling tendencies or personality.
It’s the same with domestic violence. They don’t start by punching someone repeatedly from day one. They first gauge how much they can get away with, then move on to the next step. People with unusual fetishes are often the same way.
So please ask him clearly on LINE: “You were following me that time, weren’t you? What was your intention?”
The reason I suggest LINE is so you’ll have evidence if, by any chance, this turns into an incident later.
He may play dumb and say, “I didn’t do anything like that. Are you sure you didn’t mistake me for someone else?” But he’ll probably back off, thinking, “Ah, so this is where she draws the line.”
Because you’re only feeling frightened and not establishing that boundary, he thinks, “This girl might be okay with it,” and moves on to the next step. I think that next step is this time: staying at a business hotel near your home.
I don’t have any stalking fetish myself, so I can only speculate, but I think men who stalk probably enjoy the act of stalking itself. That’s what a fetish is, after all.
So I don’t think he necessarily intends to do anything after identifying your home. Maybe the act of hunting the rabbit itself is enjoyable to him, like a cat tormenting a mouse.
Isn’t it fortunate that the following incident gave you a clear reason to cut ties? If you cut him off without saying anything—for example, by deleting the unread messages—he might send things to your home or workplace, or start playing silent games with you.
Of course, if he leaves behind clear physical evidence like that, you can simply consult the police, which makes things easier.
Taro, I’m honored by your kind words.
As far as I know, the most disturbing situation in stories like this is domestic violence.
At first, these men are very nice. But they carefully observe their partners and look for openings to exploit. If they discover something like an affair, they may secretly think, “Excellent.” They now have a justification for disciplining and hurting their partner.
When a woman is constantly blamed for her own wrongdoing, she can become conditioned to believe that, because she cheated, she deserves to be punished.
In the worst-case scenario, that papa’s real fetish may be domestic violence, while the stalking is intended to uncover some kind of betrayal by the questioner.
People with unusual fetishes are certainly happy and grateful when they meet someone who accepts them. So you can use that to your advantage and become an irreplaceable woman to your papa—things like baby play, scat, or filming.
But domestic-violence and stalking types are a no-go. If a match does work out, the woman may also have strong dependency issues and enjoy controlling the other person in exchange for being controlled herself. She may think, “No one but me can satisfy this person’s fetish,” effectively counter-controlling him by allowing herself to be controlled.
Men who are into domestic violence or stalking may surprisingly want to be controlled themselves, too. It can become a codependent relationship.
Ultimately, everything in the world comes down to compatibility. Fetishes aren’t inherently good or bad.
The questioner simply doesn’t seem compatible with that papa, so she should break things off—not because his fetish is absolutely wrong.
Hopefully you can keep things going smoothly without any arguments and find a backup papa soon.
Just in case anything goes wrong, do you have your papa’s workplace and home address?
I actually know the home addresses of all the PJ guys I’ve been seeing for a year or more. I’m not stalking them—they’ve invited me to their homes on their own.
Ideally, though, it would be best to build a relationship where neither of you feels uneasy sharing that kind of information.
