I’ve been seeing my papa for about a year and ten months.
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He has two elementary-school-aged children, and since he always takes them out on his days off, I assume his family gets along well.
Even so, I’ve continued to have feelings for him. I tell myself that he loves his family as his family, and that he simply likes me. But lately, I’ve started wondering what that “liking” really means—and I’ve realized that, deep down, I actually want to be with him.
I know two people who were in situations like mine and ended up getting married. Having people like that close to me makes me think, “Maybe, just maybe, it could happen for me too…”
I’m already 29. I don’t have an impressive education or much of a work history, and the feeling that my papa values me—I see him more than half the month, we’re intimate about once a week, I even go golfing with his friends, and he employs me at his company—had become a strange source of self-esteem. But I have no real prospects for the future, and with 30 just around the corner, I’ve started to feel pathetic.
Please give me some advice as someone with more life experience—and as a man. I’m prepared to face reality, even if what you say is harsh.
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
You’re married, but you pay a young woman once a week to be intimate with her.
She’s been given a card and is technically considered employed. She gets paid a certain amount each month.
None of that is something to brag about. And if you willingly get pulled deeper into it, what are you going to do from here on out?
You’ll simply grow older, with no qualifications or skills, desperately searching for a way to make a living as someone’s mistress—all while clinging to your strange pride.
Don’t become that kind of person. If you’re going to do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), you should set clear boundaries.
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It’s not a good idea to seriously fall for an older guy who keeps a mistress.
Even if you did manage to marry him, he’d probably start eyeing younger women again as he got older—or secretly resume papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
Objectively speaking, he’s pretty gross. He may be a good papa (a male supporter), but as a marriage partner, he’s definitely among the worst.
Please wake up.
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Since you said your child is in elementary school, I assume your papa is still relatively young too. At forty, a man is arguably in his prime, so I can see why he would seem attractive.
papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) only continues when both people benefit, so I think it’s important to be clear about the benefits of having dated—or continuing to date—each other.
You mentioned that there’s no future in the relationship, but marriage isn’t the only possible future. I think it would be good to move forward while seriously considering what each of you wants for the future. That said, if marriage is on the table, you should probably understand that it may be a high hurdle, especially since you have a child.
In our case, there’s an age gap of more than forty years between us, and neither of us can imagine getting married. Even so, we’ve been happily seeing each other for five years. For her, this has been the longest relationship she’s ever had, and for me, it’s also lasted longer than any relationship I’ve had with another woman. Neither of us is tired of it—in fact, we’re starting to wonder whether we should move on to a second or third stage together.
Since papa-katsu is a contractual relationship, I’m grateful that it’s a system that allows this kind of arrangement.
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I’m not sure whether my gut feeling is right, but…
The questioner is probably trying to force herself to like that papa. Or what she calls “liking” him may simply be the result of elimination.
She’s only unconsciously avoiding admitting, “I don’t like him,” because doing so would lead to self-denial.
That’s how I am. During a brief break while having sex from behind, I’ll suddenly come to my senses and think, “Wait, why am I having sex with someone I don’t even like?” Then I feel so disgusted with myself I could throw up. It’s practically a terminal condition. Papa-katsu clearly isn’t for me, lol.
The fact that the questioner is even asking this means she’s showing the early signs of a terminal condition as a papa-katsu girl too.
It’s probably time to move on to the second stage of your life. Only your future self can make you the protagonist. No one would watch a movie where the main character stays on top the entire time. The highs shine brighter because there are lows along the way.
What you need is the courage to take that first step, whatever it may be. Tetsuya Naito, the pro wrestler, said that. He’ll be wrestling in the main event at the January 4 Tokyo Dome show, so check him out if you’re interested.
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I think you’ve got the wrong goal.
The idea of looking for someone who will make you happy is fundamentally misguided. You should obtain what you want for yourself and build the ability to do so. Then, and only then, should you look to others for what you lack. That’s the proper order. You can’t hand over the decision-making power to someone else from the very beginning. That should only happen when there’s no other choice. You’re stuck wandering around forever because you don’t understand that.
If you’ve managed to find a papa (a male supporter) who’s reasonably successful despite having no work history or academic background, there must be countless things you could learn from him—and plenty you could pick up along the way. Why aren’t you doing that? Is it really enough to be satisfied with gaining money and something resembling status by making yourself physically available? I think that’s why you can’t escape being treated as something to be consumed.
Life follows a heliocentric model. You’re the center. The question is how much you can make use of the people around you to make yourself happy. Your partner is ultimately doing the same thing. That’s the survival of the fittest.
The key is how far you can push your defensive line forward. You can’t reach your ideal life entirely on your own, so you have to borrow other people’s strength—but how far can you push that line up through your own efforts? There’s a huge difference between needing a man to help you because you can’t make ends meet and being able to manage on your own while seeking additional income or a little extra comfort from a man.
I think it’s important to think about these things and gradually create a situation that works in your favor. Build it up, even if it’s only in small ways. After 20 years, the difference will be enormous. People in their twenties probably can’t imagine that, though.
Taro
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That’s very risky. If you become that emotionally invested, your papa may be the one to end things.
You should quickly find a boyfriend and another papa to spread your feelings between, and take precautions.
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Rather than chasing the ideal of being together, try to face reality.
It’s probably not easy to find someone who will see you more than half the month or hire you at their company.
Since you likely can’t make ends meet without this papa, why not hold on to him as long as you can and use that time to slowly think about your future?
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Unfortunately, I don’t have any magical words to inspire you.
That said, the phrase “I’m already 29” caught my attention. If you ask me, you’re “still only 29.” You’re in the morning of your life. You should have plenty to do before lunchtime and throughout the afternoon. There’s no need to rush, but if you take things too easy, quitting time will arrive before you know it. And once the afternoon begins, time starts moving at roller-coaster speed. I don’t mean to scare you.
Why not make good use of the allowance you’ve received? In the broadest sense, it’s an investment in yourself. I recommend starting something new—anything at all. It might lead to an unexpected chain reaction. Or perhaps nothing will happen, but I don’t think it will ever be a waste.
I’m sure your papa is on your mind, but I’ll leave you with these final words: Pull yourself together!
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For him, you’re an ideal woman—as a man, he gets all the benefits. His family remains intact, while being loved by a young woman boosts his self-esteem.
Even if it’s a compensated relationship, after nearly two years of seeing each other more than half the days of every month and being intimate once a week, it’s only natural for feelings to develop.
The real issue, I think, is that you’ve become too dependent on him and don’t take pride in your own work.
For example, you could use your allowance to start a business, or invest it and build your wealth with the goal of becoming a multimillionaire.
If you build up enough financial security to be okay even after parting ways with him, you may be able to enjoy the freedom you have now.
Even if things don’t work out, allowance money is ultimately just windfall.
The experience you gain will be an investment in your own future.
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