I often hear from my papas, “You were raised well by your parents,” and it makes me uncomfortable. How should I process these feelings?
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I’m a female member of Universe. I’m very grateful that, since registering here, I’ve been introduced to quite a few people.
I have a good educational background and a respectable, fairly conventional job. Since I also took lessons and attended classes from a young age, most of the papas tell me, “You must have been raised very well by your parents.”
In reality, though, I was abused, and while struggling with PTSD, I studied hard enough to get into university. I’ve even worked in the adult entertainment industry to pay for prep school so I could obtain certifications to improve my job skills.
However, I haven’t told my papas about any of this. Since many of them are older men who wouldn’t understand if I said I had a difficult relationship with my parents, I interact with them as though I come from a happy family.
Even putting that aside, anything I’ve accomplished was the result of my own efforts, not my parents’. So I find it strange that they go out of their way to bring up my parents.
If I were a man, I feel like they would simply say, “You worked hard,” without mentioning my parents, which makes it bother me even more.
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂Not stated👑Universe female member
Men often see being well brought up as one of a woman’s positive qualities, much like being attractive or having a good personality.
So even if you think, “But I worked hard to become this way!” I think it’s best to simply take it as, “I guess I’ve turned out well, and people recognize that,” and let it roll off your back.
There’s an elegance in not showing others how much you’ve struggled.
That’s how I see it, anyway.
Once you’ve become comfortable enough to talk about anything, you could bring it up casually and see how he reacts.
Marika
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> Since many of these men are from an older generation, they may not understand when you say that you don’t get along with your parents.
That’s probably the issue.
I can’t say whether they’ll truly understand, but if you tell them that you were abused by your parents, they’ll at least stop saying that you must have had a good upbringing.
Even without mentioning abuse, I think simply saying that you haven’t had a good relationship with your parents would be enough.
It’s not about whether they can understand.
I don’t think you should go into details about the hardships you’ve experienced—that’s fine if you want to, but sometimes hearing about them only makes things feel heavy.
However, if you simply mention that you were abused and didn’t have a good relationship with your parents, I don’t think any man will say that you must have had a good upbringing.
When you pretend to get along well with your parents, they assume that you’ll be pleased if they say you were raised well.
But if you don’t get along with your parents and are still polite and well-mannered, they’ll probably respond in the way you want:
“You’ve worked really hard.”
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I think it’s similar to this:
Let’s say you passed a difficult exam, but in reality, you were simply lucky and didn’t study nearly as hard as the other people who passed.
Then someone says, “It’s amazing that you passed such a difficult exam! You must have studied really hard.” How would you respond?
Since you know you didn’t actually work that hard, would you feel annoyed or uncomfortable and curtly reply, “No, I really didn’t,”
or would you say, “Thank you! I’ll keep working hard so I can make good use of this qualification”?
Why not imagine which response would be better for your life?
As for the comment in your question—“Your parents must have raised you well”—perhaps you could see it as nothing more than the other person expressing, in different words, “You’re a wonderful person.” They probably weren’t seriously imagining what your parents were like.
Regardless of your relationship with your parents, the other person is essentially telling you, “You’re wonderful.” I think it would be good if you could learn to simply respond, “Thank you.”
Once you’ve grown closer to the man you’re seeing and your relationship has reached the point where you feel comfortable telling him that your parents actually treated you badly, you can talk about it and have him understand your feelings.
Until then, rather than reacting too sensitively, I think it’s better to make an effort to receive positive messages positively.
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If you hadn’t brought up your extracurricular lessons, I don’t think they would have said anything about your parents.
Why would they go out of their way to bring it up?
Parents recommend lessons because they want what’s best for their children’s future.
Were you the one who initially said you wanted to take them?
Ayase Nana’s child said they wanted to take lessons, so I enrolled them. They still continue to this day. They’ve started to stray a little from that path, but those lessons became the foundation for their career.
You’ve been taking them since you were little, but if you only reached an intermediate level, wouldn’t it just be a hobby now that you’re in your twenties? Or are you able to use it in your work?
If so, I think that’s something to be grateful for. Young people with no particular skills come in for interviews all the time, but those who have just drifted through life don’t improve at work. On the other hand, people who have worked hard at something are strong. I’m sure it has helped you in some way.
You mentioned abuse, but how severe was it?
You’re old enough to live independently, so why not try living on your own?
Oh—actually, you didn’t say you were in your twenties.
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It may be completely different from your situation, but I feel like I understand how you feel.
Coming from an ordinary family, there was a time when I found it honestly frustrating dealing with people who constantly brought up their parents or acted like, “I’m the one who made you who you are,” especially bosses.
Of course, I’m grateful to those people too, but more than anything, I wanted my own efforts to be recognized. Eventually, I realized that the only way was to make people acknowledge me through my own abilities, and for me, that felt like a step forward.
There are actually people who notice how hard I’m working, and I feel like having more of those people around is what brought me to where I am today.
Things may be difficult for you right now, but I hope you can make that extra push—though you may already be giving it everything you’ve got—and meet someone who genuinely recognizes your efforts.
I’m rooting for you.
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If you keep saying you have a happy family, then of course that’s how it’ll turn out.
Tell him you were abused by your parents and that you cried your way through the years of effort it took to get where you are. I’d start crying too and double your allowance from the following month.
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Older guys—though I suppose it’s not limited to them—do tend to comment on whether someone was well brought up. Of course, I’m no exception. I’d appreciate it if you could be indulgent and see it as just a habit. Though, like the questioner, I’m often completely wrong (chuckles).
That said, table manners and small courtesies seem to be influenced more by how someone was raised at home than by their overall upbringing. For example, someone may hold their chopsticks and rice bowl properly even if they come from an abusive household. From my limited experience, I know two young women I met through Uchu Club who were like that.
It must be unpleasant to have someone casually make assumptions about the environment you grew up in. I believe I understand how you feel. At the same time, please take it as a compliment and let it go in one ear and out the other.
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You’re probably a genuinely decent, well-brought-up person. I’m not sure if this comes across, but you seem to have excellent manners and etiquette—even in the finer details beyond what you’d find in a manners book. You don’t misinterpret things other people do to you, and you don’t have weird validation-seeking tendencies. This is the kind of situation where I think, “Your parents did a good job raising you.” I don’t think it has much to do with gender. Most of the people who have given me that impression have been men, probably because I meet more men through work.
That said, it’s basically just an impression, and I have no idea whether it matches reality. I also think it can be a good thing when someone has survived difficult circumstances without letting it show. In the end, other people can never truly understand you. Saying something like, “What exactly do you think you know about me? lol” to call them out and get a laugh is a classic move too（笑）.
As a practical response, you could smile and say, “Actually, it wasn’t my parents—it was my own hard work（笑）.” You don’t have to wag your tail for someone you dislike. But if you immediately go on the offensive, they may see you as dangerous, so keep it mild. If you punch someone and injure them, that’s assault, but if it only causes a little pain without even drawing blood, things get a bit ambiguous, right? And if you say, “They said something harsh, I got worked up and reached out without thinking, and it just happened to make contact,” that gets even more ambiguous. To make it even subtler, avoid physical contact altogether and use your words and attitude. Ultimately, convey the message “Don’t get the wrong idea” with a smile, in a gentle, single-line remark. Learn how to have an “adult argument.”
The men who belong to dating clubs generally have a decent amount of money, and if they earned it all themselves, they’ve likely been through their share of tough situations. So when you pick an adult argument with them, I think quite a few will understand and accept the message properly. If you’re receiving a reasonable number of offers, it might not be a bad idea to use that as a filter and explore the people who seem to have good character. You may gain something beyond just money.
Taro
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That sounds like a really tough double burden.
I think it might be best to casually reply with just:
“Thank you. But I’m doing my best too.”
Then see how he reacts.
If he picks up on what you mean from that one comment, he may become a good listener going forward.
But if he doesn’t notice anything—or presses you further—your stress may only increase from here.
It sounds like you receive plenty of offers, so it may be worth cutting your losses early.
Personally, if he said something like that without knowing anything about your family background or home situation, I’d consider it a lack of sensitivity.
It’s me
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In fact, it’s quite natural for someone in the questioner’s situation to feel the need for papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). Many also become especially good people after learning from a negative example. When it comes to their fathers in particular, they often don’t feel much affection or admiration for them.
Even now, I think it would be okay to talk honestly about how you really feel.
If you don’t say anything, everyone will continue to assume that things are fine and that you’re happy with the subject being brought up.
If you truly looked up to your biological father, you wouldn’t need a papa (a male supporter) in the first place. As you become closer to the man you’re seeing, you may eventually open up to him about your family circumstances. In many cases, they may feel close to their mother, while their feelings toward their father vary from person to person.
Doing papa-katsu often comes with a strong desire to become independent. It may not only be because they don’t want to rely on or burden their family, but also because they want to help their mother, siblings, or someone else they care about. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with touching on those feelings as well.
From a papa’s or an older person’s perspective, hearing about those feelings for one’s family can also be very moving. It may make them feel even more inclined to support you.
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