I’m a single mother with a child.

I get the feeling that you want to move from casual papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) to becoming a classic, old-school mistress. Papa-katsu is a relationship between people who normally would never have crossed paths. That’s why it’s okay for there to be things you don’t know about each other—so-called gray areas. With the traditional type of mistress relationship, people often meet through work, so there are far fewer unknowns between them. For example, the fact that things can later develop into inheritance issues is precisely because the relationship is so deep. Some papas may actually prefer papa-katsu to remain light and somewhat ambiguous, unlike a mistress relationship. I also don’t like people prying too much into my private life, so I try not to ask too many questions about the other person’s personal matters. The fact that you’re a single mother may also be something your papa sees as a troublesome personal detail—something he doesn’t even want to know about. Are you genuinely in love and simply want to enjoy a light, safe relationship, or do you want to learn more deeply about each other and become a mistress? Unless you carefully figure out what that papa is looking for, confessing your feelings could drastically change the nature of your relationship.

You managed to keep it hidden for a whole year—impressive. You must be quite an actress. If I were your papa (a male supporter), honestly, I’d be shocked that you have a child, and then even more taken aback by how serious it is that you couldn’t tell me because you liked me. I’d probably be pretty put off. It’s a difficult situation. It depends on the papa, so I think you should feel him out little by little and tell him only after confirming that he seems okay with it. Questions to ask your papa: Have you ever had an affair? Have you ever dated a single mother? Have you ever fallen for someone through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)? If his expression darkens or he flat-out says no, it might be impossible.

I’m Takahashi, a staff member. Everyone has their own way of thinking, but I believe most people have something they keep private. If continuing the relationship while keeping it hidden would weigh on your mind, telling them may be one option.

It’s better not to babble on about things you weren’t even asked about. I think papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) is about knowing how to handle and steer the relationship smoothly.

If it were me, I’d probably keep quiet because I wouldn’t want to burden my papa. In my case, I have a clear image of the person I want my papa to see, so I wouldn’t want that to change between the beginning and now. I also think it would be a nuisance for him.

> As I’ve gradually fallen more and more in love with my papa, I’ve started to feel guilty about keeping things from him. I don’t think that’s really it. It’s probably not because you’ve fallen for him, but because you’ve gotten used to things, lost that sense of tension, and let your guard down. You’ve simply started wanting things to be easier for yourself. If you truly love him, show him only your best side all the way to the end. Be willing to endure the hard parts and devote yourself completely to him. I don’t know why you became a single mother, so forgive me if I’m off base, but don’t you think that kind of lapse in vigilance may have played a part? Don’t repeat the same mistake. Learn from it. If you want to remarry that man, wait until you’re absolutely, mutually in love and so deeply attached that neither of you can bear to be apart, then confess tearfully, “Actually…” At that point, he’ll have no choice but to accept it. If you tell me you have children before my feelings have really heated up, I’d be put off—at least in my case. Because from my perspective, it’s basically like dating a married woman: while she’s out with me, I’m taking her away from her children and their mother. I couldn’t live with that. Just as I’d be fine dating a married woman if her husband approved—there was one woman like that before—it might be different if her children also liked me and grew fond of me. But honestly, even meeting the children themselves would make me a little nervous. In that case, I’d choose a woman without children from the start. The phrase “I don’t mind if you have children” sounds somehow cold to me. But everyone sees things differently, so I’m not criticizing you. I hope that doesn’t come across the wrong way. P.S. If a woman I’m dating gets along well with me and turns 30, and there’s a chance she may want children someday, I’ve decided to pay for all of them to have their eggs frozen at that milestone. Mr. Loser wrote in the comments on my column that he couldn’t see what was kind about me, but I’m kind in ways ordinary people wouldn’t think of.

I understand the guilt you feel about hiding something from someone precisely because you care about them. I’ve been through quite a lot, and I’ve come to firmly believe that just because you’re in a relationship—or married—doesn’t mean you have to share absolutely everything. When I was younger, I used to tell my partner everything without holding anything back, which made me feel relieved. But I eventually learned that this was really just self-satisfaction, and that it could place an unnecessary burden on the other person. That said, I don’t believe personal information should be kept hidden as much as possible, either. In fact, with the person I’m currently seeing, we’ve shared quite a lot, including our real names, dates of birth, addresses, workplaces, the fact that they’ve had cosmetic surgery, and the fact that I’ve been divorced. As for what you should tell someone and what you should keep private, it really depends on the person and the relationship. You can choose to take your secrets to the grave, or you can try being open in order to deepen your relationship further. With that in mind, regarding the fact that you have a child, I personally wouldn’t consider it a problem at all. You already had that situation before the relationship began, and it’s not as though you had a child with another man while dating him, so it wouldn’t bother me. Having a child may mean you’re only available at certain times or might suddenly have to leave, and if you haven’t told him, he might suspect you of cheating. I think you should tell him.

I’m single, but even after telling them I had a child, they’d actually give my kid Christmas and birthday presents and treat us both very well. I’ve had about three supporters like that so far. As for how I brought it up, sometimes I invited them to a private room and said, “Actually…” Other times, I kept it casual or set my phone wallpaper to a photo of me and my child together. (´ω｀*) I think it really depends on what kind of personality the man has.

If you’ve managed to keep it hidden for a little over a year because you were able to juggle your schedule well, but your circumstances are about to change—for example, because your child is moving on to the next stage of their education—and there’s a possibility of last-minute cancellations that could inconvenience your partner, then it might be worth talking to them. Whether telling them will change your relationship depends on the nature of your relationship with them, so I’m afraid I can’t really say. Personally, if I were you, I wouldn’t say anything unless it was in one of those situations where I might end up causing them trouble. Keeping something secret isn’t limited to cases like this. Whether it’s cheating, having debt, or anything else, the person keeping the secret may feel relieved of their guilt after confessing. But the person who hears it is forced to become involved simply by learning about it. In other words, it’s like making them shoulder the negative consequences of something you had been keeping hidden. So if you absolutely feel you need to tell them, I think you should say more than just, “I couldn’t bring myself to tell you because I like you.” You should also explain things concretely, such as, “I’ll do my best not to inconvenience you,” and “I’m not telling you because I expect anything from you because of this.”