I’m thinking of ending things with someone I’ve been seeing for a year.
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The reason is that he cancels at the last minute and reschedules so often that, even when we make plans, there’s only about a 30% chance we actually meet. He’s kind while we’re together, but this has become stressful, so I’m thinking of stopping seeing him.
Today is supposed to be our last date, but the meeting time has suddenly been pushed back by three hours.
I’m wondering whether I should say goodbye on my way home after receiving my allowance, but should I clearly explain the reason? I’m not sure how to word it, so I’d appreciate some advice.
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂Not stated👑Universe female member
To avoid unnecessary trouble (since you never know what the other person might do), I think it’s best to hold back the urge to say something and simply:
- Don’t say anything about ending things
- Don’t make plans to meet again
- Block them completely
If you’re using LINE, I also think it’s important to block them entirely so you don’t leave the other person any opening to take advantage of.
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I think it depends on your relationship, but you probably don’t need to tell them the real reason. They likely don’t realize it themselves, and they’re probably just naturally careless in general.
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Personally, I’m the type who wants to know the reason, but if you think he might fly off the handle, saying nothing and simply saying goodbye is also an option.
If you do decide to tell him, it would probably be best to message him on LINE after you’ve gone home rather than bringing it up while you’re together.
There seem to be a lot of harsh responses toward this man.
If you have other good men to choose from, I agree that you could cut him off. But if he pays his allowance properly and is kind when you’re together, he may still be a decent papa (a male supporter).
If he likes you, telling him over LINE might give him a chance to reflect and improve.
Just to avoid any misunderstanding, I’ve never rescheduled or been late myself.
That said, I’m fairly understanding when women reschedule or are late, as long as they let me know properly.
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It sounds like both of you are just waiting for an opportunity to end things.
So I think it’s fine to simply leave the message on read—or not open it at all.
If you’re only meeting once or twice a month, then it’s even more of a casual arrangement, so there’s no need to go out of your way to explain why.
If you’re meeting three or four times a month or more, I think it’s better to talk about it. Though in that case, you probably wouldn’t end up breaking things off in the first place.
With a club arrangement, if you’re meeting once or twice a month at most, you’re both maintaining a relationship that could end at any time, so I don’t think you need to specifically announce that it’s over.
Also, unlike women, men almost never cancel at the last minute or reschedule. Women have a few days every month when they aren’t feeling well, while men generally don’t experience that, and they rarely have plans that require rescheduling. So if a man does it even once, it’s practically equivalent to a woman doing it for five or ten years.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to consider ending things if it happens even once.
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I’ve met the same person over 100 times over the past three years. I’ve been late three times, but never by more than five minutes, and never by six minutes or more.
I’ve never canceled at the last minute. I’ve changed the schedule twice by the day before, and one of those times was because I had a slight fever—but I later gave them two allowances as compensation.
I show up on time 95% of the time.
Someone that trashy deserves to be reported to the police.
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I think it’s better to explain why, though it depends on the relationship. In your case, though, am I wrong in thinking that you want to hurt the other person a little so you can get it off your chest?
A long time ago, Aya wrote something like, “If my current papa ever cheated on me, I’d hurt him as much as possible,” and it honestly sent shivers down my spine. She herself was seeing three men at once, so I thought, “Women can be scary.”
Breaking up with someone you’ve been involved with for a long time is difficult, isn’t it? I’m the kind of person who wants to know the reason, but when it comes to being dumped in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), the reason is usually pretty obvious even without being told.
In my case, it’s probably because they don’t see me anymore. I’ve never been explicitly dumped, but things usually just fade out gradually. I also tend to reduce how often we meet when I want to let things naturally drift apart.
I’ve broken up with my former ace twice. The first time, I didn’t give a reason; the second time, I did. Because I explained why, we’re still close and now meet without any allowance. It feels like we’re comrades.
I’m currently nearing a breakup with my semi-ace because I may be getting a boyfriend. He’s asked me to keep seeing him even if I get a boyfriend or get married, so I’m still undecided. But she’s genuinely such a good person, and I hope she can graduate from papa-katsu while she’s still that way and find happiness with her boyfriend.
Whenever my ace gets carried away, I make sure to teach her a lesson. Right now, I’m giving her a particularly serious one, and I’ve been receiving tons of apology messages by text along with nonstop calls. I’m ignoring all of them, and she’s completely turned into a mess emotionally. I feel bad for her, but if we want to keep this going long-term, sometimes you have to put someone in their place. Of course, I’ve been taught a lesson by her in the past too. But a woman as popular as my ace has apparently never been dumped in her life, so she doesn’t seem to understand why people might dislike her.
I spent most of my life getting dumped, so after stepping on every possible landmine, I can now identify almost all of them. Failure is an asset. That said, I still want to have the courage to step on a few more landmines in the future.
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It’s tough having to work entirely around the other person’s schedule…
Since you’ve been seeing each other for a year, I think it would be better to explain your reasons.
Personally, I agree with Aya’s opinion. I think it also depends on how he responds.
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It’s impressive that you managed to keep it going for a whole year.
If you have a clear reason, I think you should tell her—but would you really wait until the breakup to bring it up? If it were me, I’d say it in my reply when she canceled at the last minute or asked to reschedule.
If she apologized and said she’d change after hearing that, I’d meet her again. But if she canceled at the last minute again after that, I’d end things for good.
As for what to say, I agree with Kazu’s suggestion.
Taro
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If your main feeling is that you want to break things off, then I think it’s perfectly fine to do so. Personally, though, I’d feel a little awkward telling him I couldn’t see him anymore right after receiving my allowance, so I’d probably wait until the next day.
I’d bring it up by saying something like, “I’ve thought about it a lot, but this has been really hard on me, so I’d like to end things.” But the timing is really up to you, so I think whenever feels right is fine.
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Last-minute cancellations and rescheduling are exhausting, aren’t they?
I was seeing a surfer, and it was really tiring being in a situation where we could only meet if there were no waves. Since we wouldn’t know until the day of whether there would be waves, I couldn’t make any plans either.
I think it’s fine to leave the part in quotation marks from Kazu’s answer just as it is.
Marika
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It depends on the kind of relationship you have with him, but I feel that being clear about it would be best for both of you.
Rather than making up some vague excuse, you could preface it with, “I’m telling you this because I care about you, but…” and gently explain the real reason. That way, you may be able to part on good terms without hurting his feelings.
If he’s kind and you’re happy when you’re together, and this stops the last-minute cancellations and rescheduling, you’ll probably be able to see him without feeling stressed, too…!
It’s nerve-racking to have an important conversation like this, isn’t it? I hope everything works out well for you.
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Whether it’s better to clearly explain your reasons depends on the man’s personality.
Personally, I’d appreciate being told the reason, since it would give me a chance to reflect. Something like, “I have my own schedule too, and I’m tired of having plans changed so often” should be fine.
If you explain why, he may beg you to stay, promising he won’t cancel at the last minute or reschedule anymore. I think it’s best to decide in advance how you’ll respond if that happens.
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