I’m seriously struggling with whether I should get involved in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
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I attended an all-girls’ school through high school and had absolutely no experience interacting with the opposite sex. I come from a single-parent household, and my mother was extremely strict—strict enough to be considered educational abuse. After entering university, I went against her wishes and moved out to live on my own. Since my mother has a fairly high income, I didn’t qualify for a loan-based scholarship, so I’ve been supporting myself by working part-time and relying on relatives who live far away. I have no financial leeway, so wanting money is certainly one of my motivations.
However, the deeper reasons are my trauma involving men my own age and my admiration for older men.
Soon after entering university, I joined a club and was confessed to by an upperclassman. He was in medical school, handsome, and clearly experienced with women—he had the air of someone who was very popular. Having spent my entire school life at an all-girls’ school, I fell for him simply because he was a little kind to me in ordinary situations. Eventually, he told me, “I’ve come to like you more than any other girl. Please let me be your boyfriend,” and after that, I did whatever he said. At the time, I didn’t even realize that I was merely being treated as a convenient casual partner.
Eventually, I heard rumors that he slept around with lots of younger female students. When I confronted him about it, he said, “Oh, you found out. This is getting too much trouble, and I’m tired of sleeping with you anyway, so goodbye.”
I had grown up without receiving normal affection from my mother, was living alone and lonely, and was desperate for male attention. I had convinced myself that he was the first person I had ever dated, so my mind went blank. I sent him a message saying, “If you break up with me, I’ll expose you to everyone at the university and in the club on social media.” He then filed a criminal complaint against me on suspicion of making threats, and I was arrested. I wasn’t detained and was released, but to avoid getting a criminal record, I paid the large settlement amount he demanded. After learning about my arrest, my mother told me she was cutting me off.
Because of everything that happened, I strongly want to be showered with attention by older men, but I’m very worried that I might become dependent on someone again. To women who are involved in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), especially those who have experienced trauma, could you share any tips on avoiding becoming dependent on your partner?
Also, to the men here, are there things you do to prevent women from becoming dependent on you? And would you be unwilling to meet a woman with motivations and a past like mine, no matter how young she is?
Incidentally, one respondent mentioned that they would be willing to meet if I were near Nagoya, but I’m in Tokyo, so that would be difficult.
Men who would actually want to meet you badly enough to pay you as well are probably few and far between.
I’m sure everyone has their own circumstances, but I feel like getting close to someone surrounded by negative energy could make your own luck slip away too.
Maybe start by stopping the habit of blaming something else whenever things don’t work out.
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For women involved in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), especially those who have experienced trauma, do you have any tips for avoiding becoming dependent on the other person?
The best ways to avoid dependence are to have multiple partners and to avoid leaving yourself too much free time. If you focus on just one man, you may become dependent because you start believing, “He’s the only one I have.”
Also, if you spend plenty of time working or with friends, you naturally have less time to devote to one man, so you won’t have as much time to overthink things. Free time leads to overthinking, which leads to anxiety, which leads to dependence. So I recommend keeping yourself busy.
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No, I don’t want to meet.
You’ve written at length, but it seems like you’re trying to say that the people around you made you unhappy. If we heard the story from someone other than you, we might go, “Ah, I see.”
You call it dependence, but it’s not something that can be fixed through the power of whoever you’re dependent on. Wouldn’t it be better to face yourself and work through each issue one by one?
I think it would be best to do something about your relationship with your mother, who was once the person closest to you. I’m not simply saying you should make up with her. Try sorting out the relationship and deepening your mutual understanding—consider her feelings and circumstances, and whether she may also have been dependent on her daughter.
I hope you can eventually move past using the phrase “I never received normal love from my parents” to describe yourself.
At the very least, I think doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) would only leave you going around in the same circles.
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Thank you for sharing your question.
Given that you were raised by a single mother and attended an all-girls school, I imagine you may have had relatively little interaction with adult men. Rather than papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), you might consider trying a light nightlife job, such as working at a girls’ bar, as a second part-time job.
Even though your identity is verified through a dating club, relationships after the first meeting are generally based on mutual consent and personal discretion. With apps, that applies from the very first meeting. There’s no guarantee that you’ll meet a wonderful man who will spoil you and treat you like a princess.
On the other hand, if you’re hired by a venue as an employee, you can interact with men in a more protected environment, and you may be able to learn a lot from your more experienced coworkers.
You could also build connections with men your own age through interactions with trustworthy friends. That may help you develop better judgment when it comes to men.
Unfortunately, my circumstances are completely different from yours, so I may not fully understand your situation or feelings. I hope you’ll understand.
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Basically, you don’t need to do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)—whether you’re a man or a woman. It’s not something you can openly talk about in public anyway…
If you have some serious circumstances or a particular reason to try it, then go ahead…
Once you get drawn into that world, it can be hard to get out…though, I’m not saying you necessarily need to.
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The idea that older men will cherish you and shower you with attention just because they’re older is a fantasy.
There are all kinds of older men. Some are deluded and have this weird confidence that they can still compete with younger guys, while others behave terribly, thinking, “I’m paying, so I can get away with a little.”
And men your own age come in all types, too.
Anyway, if what hurt you was being treated as unimportant and simply used without even receiving anything in return, maybe having at least received proper compensation (an allowance) would have made it a little easier to cope.
Also… for things to go as far as an arrest and a settlement, you must have done something pretty serious.
That shows you may have a tendency to get involved in situations like this, so it’s dangerous to place too much faith in older men.
Papa supporters will cut you off when they decide to, too.
Akari
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> Some respondents said it would be easier if you were closer to Nagoya, but since I’m in Tokyo, that seems difficult.
Why would it be difficult?
The man would cover the round-trip bullet train fare, and if making it a day trip is difficult, he could also arrange a hotel room for you separately from his own.
Nagoya is actually very close by bullet train. From Tokyo, getting to Nagoya takes about as long as traveling to a more distant part of Chiba, Saitama, or Kanagawa. There are also plenty of bullet trains, so you can just go to Tokyo Station and board one without making a reservation.
I think the only real issue is whether you can make the time.
Of course, if the man doesn’t want to cover your transportation costs, then I can understand why it would be difficult…
> I strongly want to be doted on by older men.
Being older doesn’t necessarily mean someone will be kind.
I do think the odds are higher, but there are still men who lecture you, as well as strange ones who say things like, “Isn’t this supposed to be free love? Why are you charging me? Are you a sex worker?”
> Do you have any tips for not becoming dependent on the other person?
Maybe earn more money than the man and put yourself in the psychologically superior position.
Or have a strong sense of self. Another option is to become the kind of woman everyone wants to date.
That way, you’ll be in a position to choose the men, which should make you less dependent on them.
That said, relationships end sooner or later.
Even if you aren’t dependent on someone, anyone would be sad if a relationship ended while they were still in love with that person.
I think the important thing is how you recover when that happens.
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My parents divorced, so I lived with my mother, and I attended all-girls schools throughout middle and high school. Both my mother and I are relatively well educated and earn decent incomes. During university, I stayed with relatives for a while, and in my first year I was used by a promiscuous medical student…
Your circumstances are so similar to mine that it feels like you’re describing me. But you and I seem to have completely different ways of thinking.
First, when that man dumped me, I cried alone for one night and then moved on completely. After that, I did avoid dating men my own age and started seeing a man five years older whom I met at my part-time job. I didn’t want to date someone at school or in a club—somewhere everyone would know about it whether we got together or broke up.
You tried to vent your frustration at being dumped by threatening him, but he was several steps ahead of you in both intelligence and financial resources. In the end, you only ended up hurting yourself. But threatening someone is wrong, so frankly, you brought it on yourself.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t think your past or your reason for registering matters much. However, if I were a man, I wouldn’t offer you an arrangement after learning about it. No one even pointed it out, yet you kept dwelling on it and obsessing over it, your thought process seemed so negative, and you seemed like a lot of trouble. I’d worry that you might do something to me after we broke up.
I wonder what dependency really means. There are people I love so much that I feel lonely when they aren’t around. But I’m not dependent on anyone to the point that I’d be unable to support myself financially without them. I don’t take any particular precautions, either.
As for whether I wouldn’t want to meet someone regardless of how young they are, some men don’t want to meet younger women precisely because they’re young. Their thinking is immature.
If being dumped by a man is enough for you to call it trauma, I’m worried about you—not just with papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), but for the rest of your life. Thinking that having older men desire you will satisfy your need for validation is dangerous, too. What will happen if one of those older men dumps you?
Why not avoid dating anyone for a little while and wait until you’re more mature before starting papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)?
Marika
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You said your parents don’t love you, right?
If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t do anything for you. On the other hand, when parents do love their children, they raise them strictly.
The outside world is very harsh, so parents raise their children strictly so they won’t struggle once they’re no longer under their protection. You really don’t understand anything… What a shame.
Some men think that any woman will do as long as she has a hole. What are you going to do if you trust someone like that and end up broken, body and soul?
And you should quit papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). Your thinking is far too naïve. You’ll end up even more broken, body and soul, then be discarded, become mentally ill, and die alone in loneliness.
It’s not too late. Apologize to your mother and ask her to forgive you.
Your thinking seems not to have matured since middle school.
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Whenever the topic of virginity comes up, there are always people saying, “Your first time should be a normal relationship with someone your own age.” What do you think after reading this question?
I think this is probably what happens to a lot of people in reality.
The “Sakura-chan” I wrote about in my column started dating a guy one year above her at the same university, but it didn’t even last two months. She told me, “I’m honestly so glad Mac-san was my first.”
Young men can be very focused on the thrill of winning someone over, then dropping them once they’ve gotten what they wanted. The real appeal starts after that, though.
Lately, I’ve come to think that whether it’s ordinary dating or papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), meeting someone isn’t the biggest issue. What matters most is how you ultimately part ways—how to avoid hurting yourself while also avoiding hurting the other person. The techniques of people who are good at that are practically an art form. Beautiful, really.
I think the questioner is right on the verge of falling to the dark side, so this is the time to hold on.
Here’s a good phrase for you: “Diamonds don’t get scratched.”
In relationships, everyone you meet is a reflection of yourself. Most of the time, it’s not actually the other person hurting you—you’re hurting yourself.
Try to develop the mindset to look at yourself in that mirror and feel that you’re beautiful.
P.S.
That said, try not to idealize older men too much. Conversely, there are perfectly decent guys your own age, too.
This is common among people who went to all-boys’ or all-girls’ schools: they tend to swing from one extreme to the other.
Regardless of age, it’s good to keep gaining experience. They say that hardships in your youth are worth seeking out, and someday they’ll turn into something positive.
When Sakura-chan told her mother she wanted to introduce her boyfriend, her mother turned her down, saying, “Bring him around when you’ve been together for three months.” At the time, she thought her mother was being cold, but it turns out she saw right through it. She must have had a similar experience herself.
P.S. 2
There are a lot of harsh answers, but I think this person really wanted a dependable father and a kind mother.
Being a single mother, she couldn’t help it, but that meant there was only a strict mother in her life.
(Dependable father + kind mother) ÷ 2 = papa (a male supporter)
That formula may not be entirely wrong.
As Maezawa-san also wrote, I’ll cover a little extra—about the cost of a bullet train ticket.
I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for her.
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If being dependent on your papa in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) means “ending up falling for him,” there are probably plenty of papas who would welcome that.
There are countless papas who desperately want to genuinely fall in love with a PJ.
That said, if it means being financially dependent, I think most of them would run.
But if you were, for example, exactly my type physically, I’d support you wholeheartedly. I imagine other papas feel the same way.
I don’t think many older men would run away from an adorable girl who was dependent on them, so I don’t think you need to hesitate about starting papa-katsu.
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