I have an adult relationship with her, but we aren’t particularly close—it’s a very transactional relationship. After we made plans to meet, she emailed me saying, “My birthday is coming up, so I’d like a little extra allowance.” It completely turned me off, so I’d like to stick to my usual allowance (¥50,000). Can you advise me on a tactful way to decline her request for an increase?
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#allowance #requestForAnIncrease
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂Not stated👑Universe male member
Maybe she thinks every day is her birthday!
I wouldn’t be able to bring up getting extra just because it’s my birthday with someone I’m not that close to. The most I could manage would be to mention in conversation that my birthday is coming up. She’s got quite a bit of nerve.
As for how to turn her down… maybe say, “That’s something I would’ve liked to offer myself, when I felt like it.” Of course, that’s assuming you were planning to increase her allowance or give her a present.
If not, then I’d just say, “My arrangements aren’t tied to birthdays, so I don’t celebrate them.” It does feel a little sad, though…
If she’s someone you’d like to continue seeing, then go ahead and celebrate her. Sometimes kindness means playing along and letting yourself be fooled.
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I think you can usually tell whether you’ll hit it off after talking for about five minutes at your first meeting.
If you feel even the slightest discomfort the moment you meet, it probably won’t work out—even if you meet a second time or have an adult relationship.
If you feel an instant spark when you meet, I think your feelings will sync up whether or not you have an adult relationship.
You can’t decide whether things will continue based on one disappointing moment, but in this situation, I feel continuing would probably be a waste of time and money. I can’t tell whether she’s taking you for granted or is just naturally clueless, but she’s not very good at drawing money and affection out of men.
You could be straightforward and say, “It’s your birthday, so I was thinking of increasing your allowance and getting you a surprise gift, but hearing you say that is a little disappointing.” Then decide whether she’s worth investing in or whether you should cut things off, depending on her reaction.
If you keep seeing her without digging deeper into the issue, I think similar situations will continue—even if you happen to avoid an allowance increase this time.
When in doubt, remember your first impression when you met her. I think that’s your answer.
If it’s not working, move on to the next one!
—It’s me
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First of all, the woman’s wording was a shame. Such a missed opportunity.
All she had to say was, “My birthday is coming up soon.” That’s all, really.
She didn’t even need to mention increasing her allowance. If a man wouldn’t do anything for her after hearing that, then that’s simply the kind of man he is, and there’s no reason to keep seeing him. I just think she could have handled it a little more thoughtfully. What a waste.
Now, getting back to the main point, the questioner is wasting a perfectly good opportunity. Why wouldn’t he try to make the most of it?
Saying he was turned off makes no sense to me.
If he had been seeing a woman he never really liked in the first place, then I could understand why he felt that way. But in that case, he should have ended things much sooner.
If he actually liked her and enjoyed seeing her, then he could have simply said:
“Oh, it’s your birthday? Happy birthday! I should do something to celebrate.”
He could start with:
“Do you mean you want a little extra allowance? How much?”
And then shift it toward a gift:
“I’d rather give you a present than cash. Is there anything you want around that price?”
That way, he could really enjoy the feeling of being in a romantic relationship.
She may have only brought it up thinking there was nothing to lose. If he responded, “Really? You’ll get me something? You’re such a nice guy,” she might even see him in a new light.
Besides, if she’s talking about an increased allowance, she probably means somewhere from tens of thousands of yen up to around ¥50,000.
That’s not such a huge amount. Isn’t that the kind of gift you’d normally give someone for their birthday without even being asked?
If it lets you enjoy the feeling of being a couple, I’d say it’s a bargain.
He should have made better use of the opportunity. What was he thinking?
Unless he’s only dating her as a substitute for paying for sex, he’d be better off taking advantage of such a great opportunity.
What a waste.
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If you turn down her request for a higher allowance, her attitude toward you will probably get worse than before.
What do you even like about a transactional woman who’s so focused on money?
The fact that she’s telling you to increase her allowance means she’s taking you for granted. Unless you’re especially attracted to her looks or figure, I’d either end things and move on to someone else, or raise the allowance as she requested.
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I ended things when I was given a proposal like that in the past.
Trying to keep the relationship going on those terms is asking too much.
I think the smart choices are either to end things or increase the allowance.
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