This isn’t related to Universe Club, but I’d like to ask the mature men here for their opinions.
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Sorry for the rambling post.
I’m a 25-year-old female graduate student, and I have feelings for a 41-year-old single man.
There are mostly men in my lab, but many of them are shy and I haven’t had many opportunities to meet anyone. Since I’ve always liked men more than ten years older than me, I met a 39-year-old man through a dating app two years ago. When we’re both free, we meet about once a month to enjoy good food, and we’ve been like friends. We’ve also been intimate a few times (this isn’t papa-katsu).
At first, it felt like we were just food-loving friends discovering great restaurants together, but little by little, I started to develop feelings for him.
However, when we met as usual the other day, he told me, “My family started telling me in my late thirties that if I didn’t get married soon, I’d remain single for life. I do want to get married, so I’ve been looking for a partner. I’ve met a few people, but I still haven’t found someone to marry.”
I asked him, “Once you get married, will you stop seeing me?” He replied, “Of course. Not just you—I’d stop seeing the other women I met through dating apps, too. Obviously, I’d stop being intimate with them, but even just having meals together could be misunderstood as cheating.”
Hearing that, I couldn’t help crying at the table. He panicked and said, “Please don’t cry. Let’s keep having meals together like this until I get married.”
The thought of never seeing him again once he gets married is unbearably painful and sad for me.
From what he’s told me, he seems to clearly distinguish between women he meets through dating apps, whom he sees as casual relationships, and the woman he’ll marry, whom he’ll choose through a matchmaking service. Because of that, I couldn’t bring myself to joke, “Why don’t you marry me? lol”
Is there any way I could continue seeing a man like this even after he gets married? If that seems difficult, is there a way to forget him as a friend while minimizing the hurt? I like him, so deep down I want to keep seeing him until he gets married, but should I stop seeing him altogether starting now?
I’m a losing male member.
>・Buy cryptocurrency
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Papuwa’s advice here is brilliant... So smart.
This really is the best option.
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I’m Fuu, a column writer.
When it comes to marriage, things are sometimes decided more by momentum and timing than by overthinking everything.
The person asking the question is already hopelessly in love. Even if she could continue seeing him in their current relationship after he gets married, it would be far too painful. She’d probably regret not telling him she wanted to marry him, too.
So be brave and confess!
Tell him, “I want us to be in a relationship with marriage in mind!”
If it works out, you’ll be incredibly happy—and even if it doesn’t, you’ll probably feel a sense of closure and be able to move on.
If it doesn’t work out and you can’t find someone else you like, or you feel unbearably lonely, consider joining Universe Club.
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President Maezawa from the Executive Office will answer this one too.
> “I couldn’t bring myself to joke, like, ‘Why don’t you make me your wife? lol.’”
If you say it as a joke, it may remain a joke forever. So I feel you should carefully plan your approach and gradually lead him to choose you as his marriage partner.
If meeting through a matchmaking site is necessary, you could register with the same marriage agency and tell him that you’re also looking for a marriage partner and will be signing up there too.
That way, you would both be seriously looking for someone to marry, and from there you could gradually make him more aware of you as a potential partner.
You could even nominate that man through the marriage agency, while letting him know directly, of course.
That way, even if he’s concerned about appearances, he could say that he met his partner through a marriage agency, which would be an advantage.
The key is that, to handle this smoothly, you’ll need to think things through carefully, since you’re the one who knows him best.
If you apply through the agency, he might reject you, so you’ll need a detailed strategy for the various little things involved.
There’s also a chance that all this preparation could lead to you parting ways sooner, but since he says he won’t see you after getting married, I think you should make your move.
Besides, even if he did continue seeing you after marriage, I can’t help wondering what you plan to do when you get older.
If you’re still okay with that, then I feel your intimate skills would need to be several levels above those of his future wife. In particular, there’s a big difference between people who are good at oral sex and those who are average, so it might be a good idea to start improving your skills in that area.
Of course, if you just happen to be exceptionally compatible physically, you may not need to change anything.
That said, I’ve heard people with that kind of natural compatibility say they wonder why all their partners happen to be quick to finish, and why they always end up with men like that.
If all of them have finished within a minute so far, you might be exceptionally compatible physically...
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I’m Dai, a male member.
If you have feelings for him, I hope you’ll be the one to propose.
I’m the same way, but when I think about being rejected by a woman in her twenties if I asked her to date me, I might feel too embarrassed to say anything.
Honestly, I’m a little jealous, but I truly hope you’ll be happy.
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It’s me.
If that man has kept putting the brakes on himself, thinking, “I shouldn’t take app-based encounters too seriously,” then I can understand why he said those things to you.
Maybe he talks that way about meeting people through apps because he has had a fair amount of experience with them.
But if he doesn’t have much experience approaching women in real life, he may put those brakes on even harder to protect himself and avoid making the first move.
As the other answerers have said, why not try making a small move yourself? Be sure to mention marriage.
If it’s not going to work out anyway, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.
Even if you managed to maintain a good relationship with him after he got married, if that only meant your own chances of getting married kept slipping away, you might be better off looking for someone else.
This is all just speculation on my part, though.
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I’m Shingo Lee (Shingori), a columnist.
If the thought of him marrying someone else doesn’t actually make you sad, and what hurts is simply that you won’t be able to see him anymore, then maybe you don’t like him as much as you think.
Even relationships that seem to be going well always reach a “catastrophe point”—a crossroads between slowly fading out if things continue as they are, or taking a gamble on whether you can keep it going, with the possibility of ending it cleanly.
You should realize that you’re standing at that point now.
Personally, I’d think, “You don’t seem to like him that much, so why not stay friends with benefits until he gets married?” But if that doesn’t feel right, why not say what you couldn’t say back then: “Why don’t you make me your wife?”
Compared with the past, it may be too late now—but compared with the future, it’s still somewhat early.
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I’m Flagmaker, a column writer.
The question is whether he’ll continue seeing you after he gets married.
It’ll probably be difficult right after the wedding.
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I’m Nana Ayase♡
If you love him, try telling him:
“I love you so much.
Please marry me.”
Until you find someone to marry… You might find him right away, so tell him sooner rather than later.
If he says no, hold on and say, “Then please stay with me until I get married.” Never give up on life.
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
That’s a good question. I like discussing this kind of thing, though I’m not particularly knowledgeable about it. So I suppose some people might tell me to keep quiet…
Generally speaking, people who use dating services—including relationship clubs—seem to make a clear distinction: relationships formed through matching apps are just for fun, while they look for a marriage partner on a matchmaking site. I think that’s absolutely right, and most people, myself included, use these services with that mindset.
That said, I don’t think marriages between people who meet through relationship clubs and similar services are common, but there do seem to be some real-life examples.
This is only my impression based on what you’ve shared, but your relationship doesn’t seem to be entirely focused on having fun. Based on the relationship you’ve had so far, perhaps you could jokingly say something like, “Why don’t you make me your marriage partner? Haha.”
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I’m a male member, Paper Airplane.
If you leave him alone for about six months to a year after he gets married, he may contact you—or you may be able to reach out and meet him.
Marriage is one of the biggest events in a person’s life, so give him some space during that time. If he’s deeply in love, though, it could work slightly against you.
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