I confronted the man I’ve been seeing for four years about whether he’s married.
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We have sex about twice a week, around two or three times a month, and message every day. We’ve been seeing each other without an allowance since our third year.
※This follows my earlier question about how his attitude became cold whenever he switched into work mode after becoming my idol manager.
Even when he’s busy, he comes right away if I tell him I want to see him. We share the same values and hobbies, and I genuinely have a great time with him.
However, I’ve had something bothering me ever since he suggested continuing without an allowance. According to him, he lost money on stocks—or something like that—and became short on disposable income, which is why he stopped paying me an allowance.
When I told him that an intimate relationship would be difficult without an allowance, he was deeply hurt. He cried and said, “So it really was about the money… I knew that, but…” After that, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything more, and things have continued this way.
Although he doesn’t give me an allowance, he uses his company’s expenses (he’s self-employed) to pay for my vocal recording sessions, singing lessons, and travel expenses for trips. Of course, he also covers our dates and drives me home every time.
I do feel his affection, and I understand that. But there are still things that make me uneasy:
(1) He’s supposedly struggling so much that he can’t give me an allowance of 150,000 yen a month. It made me wonder whether his wife started managing the household finances.
(2) A year ago, I found out that he was exchanging very friendly Twitter DMs with other idols.
(3) Once, when I was stuck on a delayed bullet train, I happened to see him messaging a woman—possibly his wife—who asked, “What time are you coming home?”
These things have been bothering me for a long time.
So last week, I asked him, “Are you seeing any other idols?” He immediately said no, and in that flow, I suddenly asked, “Are you married?”
Maybe I wanted him to deny it, even if it was a lie.
All he said was, “Why would you ask that?”
He absolutely did not deny it.
Since then, he’s seemed cold toward me. He still makes plans to see me, but he mostly responds with stickers on LINE, and the loving feeling we used to have is gone.
There are days when we meet without having an intimate relationship, but lately he kisses me as if he’s thinking, “Let’s do as much as we can while we still have the chance,” even if it’s only for a short time. It makes me feel lonely because it seems transactional. His touch isn’t gentle like it used to be.
I think he probably believed that I had noticed but was pretending not to, and that’s how he continued this relationship.
I wanted us to continue as we had before, so I regret asking him. I keep thinking, “Why did I ask when nothing good could come of it?”
If he really wasn’t married, I feel like he would have told me his address, but he has only told me where he works.
My questions are:
1. Is it already difficult to restore our relationship to how it was before?
I grew up in an all-girls school and have almost no dating experience. This is the first time I’ve ever truly fallen for someone, so I don’t know what to do.
That’s why I’m asking those of you with more experience for advice.
2. If he asks me again why I thought he was married, should I honestly tell him that I saw the LINE messages? (I happened to see them because he was using his phone next to me.)
Sorry this got so long. I’d really appreciate your advice.
I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
Relationships between men and women can be complicated, but I think it may be better to go back to the basics here.
In rare cases, a relationship may develop into romance. However, now that another woman seems to be in the picture on the man’s side, I think it would be better to return to the kind of arrangement originally intended by dating clubs.
First, go back to a relationship with an allowance.
Next, idol activities are separate from dating-club activities, so they should be treated as an independent business. Discovering and supporting an idol could be a beneficial business opportunity for a papa (a male supporter), but naturally, it would also require an initial investment.
I think idol activities should simply be approached as a business venture between the two of you. If it’s business, staying in contact with other idols is only natural, and there’s nothing particularly strange about the person being married.
I think you’re feeling unsettled because the dating-club arrangement and the business side have been lumped together. It may help to sort through each source of discomfort, organize your thoughts, and then discuss them with him.
If the conversation doesn’t go well, I think it would be best to take some distance for the time being.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
From an outsider’s perspective, that man is simply the worst. I think you should stop having sex with him and go back to a strictly no-intimacy arrangement. Some people won’t understand until they face consequences.
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This is BB7.
> ① Is it already too difficult to restore things to how they were?
It seems like the man’s feelings have already cooled off, unfortunately.
> ② If he asks again why I’m married, should I honestly tell him that I saw his LINE messages?
I think it’s fine to tell him. Then he’ll either get angry, panic, or simply brazen it out.
That said, I’m surprised you were seeing him without knowing he was married. Hiding it while getting free intimacy is just so cheap and sleazy. What a man.
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I’m Shingo Lee, a columnist.
It’s really heartbreaking, isn’t it?
You want the uneasiness to go away so that this relationship can continue forever—but if you resolve the issue, the relationship may start heading toward its end. It’s almost like something out of a drama.
To cut to the chase, whether he has a wife or not, I recommend becoming business partners and completely cutting off the physical relationship.
I consider myself a relatively wicked person, so I understand this: what your former papa is doing is almost like a form of religious indoctrination. You don’t “like” him—you’re being controlled by him.
Even if you continue this relationship, make sure you’re fully aware that your “youth” is being used up.
Imagine being around 40, with no one else interested in you, and your former papa being the only person who will still pay you attention… Living as his wife’s second choice while constantly fearing the presence of other women—doesn’t that sound frightening?
In conclusion:
1. Tell him, “If you don’t marry me within six months, I won’t have sex with you anymore.”
2. Insist that you’ve seen his LINE messages many times, but pretended not to notice them.
*It’s better not to tell him exactly when you saw them, as that will have a greater impact.*
I sincerely wish you happiness.
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I’m Meg, a female member.
I’m sorry, but things won’t go back to the way they were.
It may be painful, but it’s time to say goodbye to that papa.
You’ll find someone much better.
(Papa-katsu senryu—today’s second verse)
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I’m Hikōki, a male member.
Above all, don’t let the distance between you grow any wider than it is now.
I think he feels the same way about you as you do about him. Precisely because he cares about you so much, he may be putting a lot of energy into supporting an underground idol, given his financial circumstances.
Eventually, a major rift is bound to develop because of the mismatch in how seriously each of you sees things and how much effort you’re putting in.
If you continue communicating only in a professional manner, there’s a risk that one of you will eventually explode. If that happens, you’ll probably end up growing increasingly distant.
Because of his longer life experience, he may often move ahead faster than you’re ready for. There may be times when you find yourself thinking, “Already?” before you’ve had a chance to accept or understand what’s happening. I recommend having a clear conversation about anything that goes beyond what you’re willing to compromise on.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I’m not sure what point in time you mean by “the original relationship,” but I don’t think things will return to how they were when you were receiving an allowance unless his financial situation improves to roughly the level it was back then.
If he’s acting as his own manager, then in all likelihood his business went under once about three years ago.
Even if you work hard at your idol activities and become successful, your income would be a salary from those activities rather than an allowance, so things still wouldn’t be exactly as they were.
I don’t think the relationship changed much because you asked whether he was seeing other idols or was married. If you can accept that, I think you can more or less restore the relationship to how it was before you asked.
If he asks again why you thought he was married, you can simply explain that you once happened to see a woman—possibly his wife—messaging him on LINE, asking, “What time are you coming home?” while you were stuck on a delayed Shinkansen. You didn’t snoop through a phone he had left lying around; it was an accident. So if he gets angry and turns it around on you, just think of him as being petty.
I know I’m repeating myself, but I think the relationship deteriorated simply because his finances worsened and he no longer has the same breathing room.
Unless he suddenly makes a huge amount of money, like winning the lottery, I don’t think the relationship will return to how it was.
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It’s Seattle.
① It’ll be difficult. Someone like you could easily find plenty of people who’d offer a more generous allowance and treat you better. You should drop that married person who’s conveniently getting things for free right away.
If you’re not already a female member, go interview with Universe Club immediately.
② You can tell them that you saw their LINE messages. If you say, “I’m sorry I happened to see them,” they’ll probably get angry and start emotionally abusing you. Instead, speak firmly and from a position of authority, saying that they’re the one at fault for hiding them.
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I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
You can’t call that “grilling” someone. “Grilling” means relentlessly pressuring them until they confess（笑）
I’ll be blunt.
I do think you’d be better off breaking up, but if I suggested that to you right now, I feel like it would just end in this kind of farce:
You: “I don’t want to break up（crying）”
Him: “Me neither〜（crying）”
…and then you have sex.
Just imagining it, the sheer farcicalness is intense.
It seems you still don’t have enough of the frustration, stress, doubts, and anxiety that drive someone to make a decision and take action.
So I’d like to suggest a third option: “Don’t pry, and just keep dragging out the relationship as it is.”
Let it build up a little more, then think it over again.
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