About a papa who reimburses travel expenses afterward

I have several regular partners who live far away, and I always give them the transportation costs and allowance for the next date in advance. If they ghost me, losing one payment really doesn’t bother me. What stresses me out far more is not paying upfront. I just can’t handle it. When I pay in advance, we can’t actually go on that final date if we decide to part ways, but I see it as a kind of severance payment. I’ve never asked for the money back, and no woman has ever offered to return it either. I wish someone would at least say it once, haha. Money can leave you traumatized. Once, I went on dates with a woman several days in a row after she told me, “I’ll treat you tomorrow.” I took her words literally, so I didn’t give her any money on the next date. Then, about two weeks later, she said, “Um, what about my allowance?” I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I was so embarrassed that I’ll never forget it. After that bitter experience, I started giving people the date costs and transportation expenses for the next meeting in advance.

If you’re meeting three times a month, it’s really not a big deal. Is it actually being paid afterward, or are you simply covering the cost upfront…? If paying by card is an issue (and even then, wouldn’t it just be a completely deferred payment more than a month later?), I think it’s fine to ask whether you could receive the transportation money for the next meeting in advance each time. That said, if you’ve been seeing each other for a long time, it doesn’t leave a great impression to ask, “Are you really struggling that much?” after he’s been giving you your allowance all this time. If it’s been less than six months, though, I think it’s worth asking. From the man’s perspective, there’s no problem with giving the transportation money for the next meeting in advance, and even if he later decides he doesn’t want to meet again, he doesn’t mind if it ends up being wasted. Women may still contact him afterward, but it’s perfectly fine not to meet them again. I think I tried copying the practice of giving the transportation money in advance, which was Mr. Loser’s style. Back then, I had considered giving six months’ or a year’s worth of allowance upfront, but I’d never thought of giving just the transportation money for the next meeting.

Tomioka (staff) here. When it comes to arranging flights, there are some things that simply can’t be helped. I understand why a man might think, “What if the arrangement gets canceled after I’ve booked the flight?” But the same applies to women, doesn’t it? If a woman books the flight and the man doesn’t show up, the financial damage is likely to be much greater, since women are generally not as well-off as men. I believe a man who takes the initiative to consider that is someone who will truly value and care for you. When seeing someone who lives far away, trust is especially important. Honestly, if he’s no longer a positive presence in your life, the support is mediocre, and your worries and complaints are only piling up, I think it’s perfectly fine to end the relationship sooner rather than later.

As I’ve said in other answers here many times, if you don’t bring it up at the beginning, it becomes the default arrangement. There’s no magic phrase that guarantees you’ll get your allowance, so why not ask or negotiate when your papa (a male supporter) is in a good mood, and request it in the way you want? How can you keep seeing someone so irresponsible that they don’t even give you your allowance on the day? Aren’t you scared? I think your options are to speak up or end things.

> Is it okay to continue seeing this papa? If you’ve always received your allowance up to now, it’s generally reasonable to expect that you’ll continue receiving it. With that in mind, if the airfare is your only concern, it seems fine for now. (This is only a probability-based assessment that things will probably continue to be okay. Since the payment is made afterward, there is always a possibility that you might not receive it at some point.) So I think it should be okay to continue seeing him. That said, at this point, the relationship is based on your trusting him. Conversely, if he comes to trust you, it might become possible to receive the airfare in advance. However, I think it’s difficult for people to change a relationship once it has been established, so you should probably assume it will be difficult to switch to receiving the airfare upfront with this particular person. If you meet another papa like this in the future, I think you should ask from the beginning whether you can receive the money upfront. If not, discuss having him come to you instead of going to him. However, in that case, it depends on how appealing you are to him. If you don’t stand out particularly, he may choose to look for another woman. > How should I bring up the transportation costs? Since you’ve always been paid afterward, I think it will be difficult to change things now. So although you’ll probably continue to worry, I think it’s best not to say anything and leave things as they are. However, if you’re prepared to end the relationship if necessary, you could simply ask directly: “Could you pay for the airfare upfront from next time?” Trying to be indirect may make it obvious, so I think it’s better to be straightforward. As I mentioned above, the beginning is crucial. So when you meet a new papa in the future and the subject of airfare comes up, I think you should say that covering it upfront would be difficult and that you’d like to receive it in advance—which is part of why you’re doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) in the first place.

If I were in the questioner’s position, I’d consider the amount left after subtracting the airfare from the main allowance to be the papa’s true allowance, and try not to focus on the airfare for the time being. Then, if he does give me the airfare—which he probably will—I’d just treat it as a bonus and consider myself lucky. The reason is that thinking this way lets you act more relaxed around your papa, which ultimately lowers the risk of him cutting you off. I’m guessing that since he’s calling you in from far away by plane, the main allowance is fairly substantial too, right? Let’s say it’s ¥100,000 per pay-per-meeting arrangement. For example, a round trip from Sapporo to Tokyo costs around ¥40,000, or maybe ¥20,000 with a budget airline. Even after deducting that, you’d still have ¥60,000–¥80,000 left. The question is whether you can be comfortable continuing the arrangement on those terms. Since he seems like a pretty generous, easygoing papa, I’d be more concerned about the risk of him losing interest if you start nitpicking over the airfare. The idea of having the papa arrange the flights for you is out of the question. A papa who would do that would have done it from the start. You might as well just enjoy collecting the airline miles. By the way, I’ve always assumed that papas who call girls in from far away are looking for one of three things: ① a large bust, ② a tall woman, or ③ beautiful legs—that is, they search nationwide using those keywords. Do you know why he’s calling you in from so far away? If you figure it out, I’d love to hear, just for reference.

Speaking from the man’s perspective, I generally don’t think the man should be the one arranging the plane tickets. It increases the likelihood of the woman canceling for her own reasons. If she pays upfront herself, canceling would leave her out of pocket, which also makes her less likely to cancel psychologically. > There have also been times when I didn’t receive my allowance (I got it together with the previous payment at the next meeting), and I’ve noticed that he can be rather careless with money. In this case, I personally think it’s fair to say something, since the problem lies with the man. If you’re feeling uneasy, you could keep him as a backup for now while looking for someone else.

I’m not sure whether it’s okay. But one thing is certain: if he stops inviting you out—or rejects the idea—you’ll probably end up with unpaid money and be in the red. Relationships in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) are generally pretty shallow. If you want to walk away without taking a loss, you’ll have to bring up getting paid in advance when you’re not in the red. If he won’t agree, then you’ll have to end things. If you’re already in the red, all you can do is keep him happy and try to collect what you’re owed! It’s complicated because you can’t just end things whenever you want, lol.