When it comes to past trauma and things like that, depending on what it is, I might be put off and unable to enjoy the present, so it’s best not to bring it up.
Also, putting aside when I was 20, in this kind of arrangement, a virgin can actually be more trouble, since things may not go smoothly, making it harder to enjoy and creating an emotional burden.
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The best time to bring it up is right before having sex with him, when he’s excited and eager to do it. The next best time is immediately afterward, when he’s satisfied—ideally while tearfully opening up to him.
Bringing it up after you’ve had sex many times and he’s starting to get bored is the worst approach. Talking about it before having sex is risky too. I wouldn’t recommend it.
P.S.
Now that I think about it, you could also just take it to the grave. That might be the best option.
Actually, you don’t even need to take it that far. As I wrote in a previous column, it can help to rewrite your own memories. You can’t change the future, but you can change the past.
If it’s a genuine trauma that causes flashbacks, that can’t be helped. But when it’s a memory you’ve convinced yourself is traumatic, you often end up cementing it in place by ruminating over it. You may even embellish it and turn it into a drama. If you avoid putting it into words and keep pushing it down whenever it comes to mind, it will gradually fade with time.
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Thank you for your question. I’ll answer as well.
> How do men feel about dating a woman who isn’t a virgin?
Since I feel like there are probably fewer virgins in their 20s, I don’t think it’s really an issue.
That said, some men may feel put off if they’re told about past sexual trauma, so I don’t think there’s any need to bring it up at this stage.
Or do you mean that you’re not a virgin, but you can’t be intimate because of your trauma?
If so, you may need to explain it when the man starts wanting to take things further. Either way, I feel there is a possibility that the relationship could end.
I think it also depends on how much the other person has come to like you by then.
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