A papa (a male supporter) I’ve been seeing regularly for about four months asked whether we could have an adult relationship (intimate) without protection. He’s been meeting me several times a month under generous (well-paying) terms, and I genuinely like him as well. I thought he liked me too, so I believed we had a good relationship—until he brought this up.
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Honestly, I feel very anxious and strongly opposed to it, so I want to refuse. But I don’t understand how men think, so I wanted to ask:
Does this mean this papa (a male supporter) doesn’t really value me? Is he dissatisfied with the current arrangement and wants to make a request he feels is more justified by the amount he’s paying? If I firmly turn him down, will he end the relationship?
I’d appreciate your thoughts.
Whether someone wants to have sex without a condom has absolutely nothing to do with whether they care about you.
If someone said, “Let’s go for a drive,” would you think, “What?! We could die in an accident!”?
Using a condom doesn’t automatically make someone kind, nor does suggesting sex without one automatically make them cruel. What determines whether someone is considerate is whether they’re willing to communicate with you.
The idea that unprotected sex always equals danger is a little too influenced by society’s “common sense.”
If you don’t want to, just say so and see how they respond, shouldn’t you?
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I don’t think treating someone well and having unprotected sex are mutually exclusive.
Quite simply, that man prefers unprotected sex.
I don’t have unprotected sex, but I’d feel a little uncomfortable if someone said, “It’s because you care about me, right?”
Of course I care about the women I’m dating, but that’s not why I avoid unprotected sex.
Whether a man wants to have unprotected sex probably has more to do with how afraid he is of getting an STI himself than with how much he cares about the woman.
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A pretty common pattern.
After about four months, I start getting bored, but I’m reluctant to be the one to end things. If she’s willing to go without protection, she moves up in the pecking order, and we can keep things going.
I don’t pressure her into anything she doesn’t want, but if she turns me down, the relationship naturally comes to an end.
That’s how I feel in my case.
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You are definitely not being valued. Please keep that firmly in mind.
The biggest problem is that your papa (a male supporter) doesn’t realize it himself. Let me teach you a surefire way to get the message across.
First, calmly explain your concerns. If he still won’t accept them, cry. It may not work, but think of it as practice for the future and do your best.
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If you’re not comfortable with it, just say no.
If you both agree on things like doubling the allowance or showing proof of an STI test, then it’s fine. It’s all about discussing the terms.
If you genuinely like and respect each other, it probably won’t turn into an argument.
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I don’t know whether he’ll cut things off with you. Asking on a Q&A site won’t give you the answer, and you probably don’t know either.
Rather than worrying about whether the relationship will end, it’s really important to clearly say no to anything you’re not comfortable with.
First, be honest and tell him exactly how you feel. As for what happens next… it’ll simply unfold as it’s meant to.
Please find the courage to tell him.
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I’ve never been the one to suggest it, but there have been women who, after dating for a few months, chose to stop using condoms.
If you feel anxious or strongly opposed to it, I think you should simply say no.
I don’t know how that man would feel about it.
In my case, though, when a woman does something she probably feels anxious or hesitant about, I feel I should treat her with even greater care. I understand that every woman feels differently about having sex without a condom, and that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the depth of her feelings.
That said, speaking only for myself, if I’m dissatisfied—for example, if I feel the allowance isn’t enough—I don’t ask whether we can have unprotected sex. I simply end the relationship.
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