I read a blog post about negotiating the allowance on a first date.
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Do any of you ever negotiate your allowance?
I’m talking about regular dates, excluding an adult relationship (intimate).
For example, asking to raise dinner only (no intimacy) from 10,000 yen to 20,000 yen going forward.
Men, have you ever had someone negotiate with you?
Women, have you had any negotiations that succeeded or failed? Please share your experiences.
I’ve never had anyone negotiate with me.
When it’s someone I want to continue seeing, we often just have dinner, so I’ll enjoy spending time with her even on that basis alone. The standard is an allowance of 1 for two hours, though depending on our relationship, the amount of time, or my mood, I sometimes give 2–5.
Also, I think I’m fairly good at conversation, relatively young for someone doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), and I take at least a little more care with my appearance than the average person.
If she tried to negotiate with me under these circumstances, I’d probably assume she no longer liked me and end things.
If she’s the kind of person you have to negotiate with, it would probably be difficult to continue seeing her in the first place. If 1 isn’t enough but 2 is acceptable, that may only work temporarily, and eventually she’ll probably become dissatisfied even with 2.
Also, if she enjoys her food, talks happily about all sorts of things, and listens attentively when I speak, I naturally feel like increasing her allowance even without being asked.
These are all fairly ordinary things, but I think they’re more effective than negotiating verbally. That said, men have different values, so if he doesn’t respond to that, it may be best to give up.
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If the woman is the one who brings up raising her allowance, she’s already lost. She’ll get cut off immediately or after a brief pause—it’s basically self-sabotage.
Instead, bring up something specific about being short on money, or act a little cold and distant—but only once you’re sure he’s genuinely invested. That way, you get the man to raise the allowance on his own.
It may sound difficult, but girls who are good at it pull it off as naturally as breathing.
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You mean negotiating the allowance for a dinner date, right?
Since a dinner date isn’t my main objective in the first place, I’m honestly the type to wonder why we’d keep meeting for dinner only after the second date. So I offer 1, and if she asks for 2, I decline. However, when I turn her down vaguely—something like, “I’d like to see you too, but unfortunately…”—some women have mistaken that for me being interested and tried to negotiate.
One woman asked, “How about meeting halfway?” I thought, “Ugh, dealing with 1.5 or decimals is such a hassle,” but I didn’t say that and continued to decline gently. Then she said, “In that case, I’d really appreciate it if you could at least add a little something at Starbucks.”
I figured a cup of coffee was fine and agreed, but when I listened more carefully, she meant that I should load money onto a Starbucks card. Along with a message asking, “Are you available tomorrow night?” she added, “If you’re thinking about seeing each other in the future, how you show your consideration at this point also matters…” (What was this, some kind of report card?)
Without thinking, I replied, “Sorry, but the way you put that is kind of creepy.” Afterward, I suggested constructively that since these arrangements can be sensitive, it would be better for us to speak openly. But she completely blew up over the word “creepy” and apparently didn’t hear anything else I said. When I woke up the next day, I found a long LINE message full of abuse, followed by a block. LOL
My point is, if your terms don’t match, it’s better to part ways quickly. Trying to force a breakthrough through negotiation is a poor strategy. It’s the same in business: I think 80 or 90 percent of the outcome is decided by how well you can attract someone before you even start negotiating the price. If you don’t have the negotiating power, a negotiation won’t work in the first place. As far as I know, virtually 100% of the people who can command high rates use that strategy.
Taro
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I do confirm the allowance before entering into an adult relationship (intimate), but I don’t negotiate myself.
I don’t think asking for more than the amount the man has offered will lead to an ongoing arrangement.
If a man really wants to be with you, he’ll ask how much allowance you’re hoping for.
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I’ve only ever been asked to negotiate the allowance once.
I offered 100,000 yen on a pay-per-meeting basis, but she asked for 120,000, so I agreed. Later, after we became intimate, I didn’t feel she was worth 120,000, so I gradually faded out.
When I get to know a woman and we’re compatible, I’ll raise her allowance on my own. My favorite started at 120,000 yen per meeting and eventually reached a monthly arrangement of 1 million yen, with an adult relationship no more than once a month.
On the other hand, I’ve never lowered anyone’s allowance. If I feel like lowering it, that’s usually the time to end things.
For dinner dates, I’ll usually give 20,000 yen for two hours, and it’s fairly common to give 40,000 yen for four hours. But no one has ever asked me to make it 30,000 yen for two hours. If someone did, I might end things with her.
How should I put this? Raising the allowance is something I enjoy doing, so being asked to raise it feels painful. I like seeing the surprise on a woman’s face when I say something like, “Thanks for being so good to me. Starting next time, I’ll make it 150,000 yen per meeting.”
So when a woman I was already planning to give a raise to beats me to it by saying, “I want you to raise my allowance,” it feels like she’s taken away the fun, and I might end up saying goodbye. Us older guys are sensitive creatures, you know. lol
P.S.
I burst out laughing alone in my apartment this morning after reading Taro’s answer—the whole sequence from telling her it was gross, getting showered with abuse, and then blocking her. I thought it was very manly and consistent. I see.
It made me wonder if I’m actually rather feminine because I’m always catering to women.
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When it comes to an adult relationship (intimate), I’ve decided on the same terms with every woman, so there’s no room for negotiation.
For dinner before an adult relationship, I always offer 1. However, if she gets her period after we’ve been intimate and we meet for dinner because of that, I may offer 2 instead.
It doesn’t happen often, and I’d hate for a dinner reservation to go to waste, so I sometimes feel bad asking her to come for just 1.
But that’s simply my own decision, so I don’t negotiate over it.
By the way, if a woman in a dinner-only (no intimacy) arrangement asked me to raise her allowance to 2, I’d end things with her immediately.
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I’ve never been negotiated with, nor have I ever negotiated or suggested an amount. It’s about the feelings involved.
That said, 1 is really too little, so you’re better off not meeting him. It means he sees value in you only for your body.
If a man gets to spend time with a woman, I can’t imagine sending her home with just 1. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to. Not even at the first meeting, or on subsequent dates.
Even if I’m having a meal with a junior colleague or another man, I’d treat them. If you’ve had the pleasure of spending time with a woman, you should show your appreciation. All the more so when you take the man’s age and circumstances into account.
I understand how the woman feels, but it’s also not ideal for her to bring it up herself. Continuing to meet someone only has value when your feelings are mutual. Meeting a man who doesn’t value spending time with you is just a waste of time.
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