About Transportation Expenses for the First Date

I haven’t made any offers lately, though. I give him 1 as soon as we meet. After that, I negotiate while clearly stating that transportation is included. If the total is 5, I make it clear that 4 remains for that day, get his agreement, and give him the 4 in advance. That man is completely wrong—it’s not some kind of gradual bluff.

If that’s the club’s rule, then I believe the questioner’s understanding is correct. As for whether transportation costs are included in the allowance, it’s hard to say. For example, if you give 10,000 yen for transportation on the first meeting and then 50,000 yen as the allowance, you’re giving her 60,000 yen in total. But there’s no transportation cost the second time, so if you give her 50,000 yen as the allowance for the second date, wouldn’t she feel a little uneasy about it? Likewise, if you gave her 10,000 yen for transportation at the first meeting and agreed on an allowance of 50,000 yen, then gave her an additional 40,000 yen after going to the hotel, wouldn’t that also leave her feeling uncomfortable? Personally, I don’t want to deal with that ambiguity, so I’m aware it may be called my own personal rule, but with Type B, I give her 10,000 yen for transportation before the meal. With Type C, I give her 50,000 yen including transportation once we get to the hotel. If we can’t agree to go to the hotel in a Type C arrangement, I give her the 10,000 yen transportation fee at that point and we part ways. I believe giving the allowance before an adult relationship (intimate) is the bare minimum in terms of etiquette.

> I thought the flow was that I’d receive the transportation fee as soon as we met, and then receive the allowance for the next step either before or after things progressed. That understanding is correct. That’s how the rules work. The transportation fee refers to the club’s standard ¥5,000–¥10,000 payment. “As soon as you meet” includes the moment you sit down for the meal. If you receive it before eating, that would be considered receiving it upfront. However, until around five years ago, the rule wasn’t that it had to be paid upfront. So some men who joined the club that long ago still protest, saying, “It wasn’t like that when I joined,” even though the rules have changed. I’d like to ask whether these men also complain when laws change, saying, “There was no such law when I was born.” Complaining doesn’t change the fact that violating current laws can get you arrested or punished, so I don’t understand what they hope to accomplish. And following the new rule shouldn’t cause them any actual loss—it’s only a matter of whether they pay before or after. Their fixation on such a strange point is baffling. This time, you may simply have run into one of those men. As a precaution, when the meal is ending and he asks about an adult relationship (intimate) afterward, such as, “Would you be comfortable with an adult relationship after this?” you could avoid answering immediately and say something like: “Come to think of it, the club told me that many men forget the transportation fee, so I’m supposed to make sure to mention it during the meal. Would it be all right to receive it now?” I think it would be best to get that payment first. Then, after receiving it, you could ask about the allowance for what comes afterward. In any case, things tend to go more smoothly afterward if you avoid making the man feel uncomfortable, so I think it’s worth coming up with a strategy. If you feel there probably won’t be a next time with him, I think it’s better to be direct. Also, if a man can’t pay upfront, you can probably expect the relationship afterward to be difficult as well. It may be best to consider whether you want to continue seeing him with that in mind.

That’s correct. However, if they don’t give you the transportation fee upfront, please don’t make a fuss and try to be understanding. Of course, in that case, make sure you receive both the allowance and the transportation fee.

A papa who puts his own feelings first and isn’t big on chivalry gives the transportation money and allowance afterward, while a chivalrous papa gives both the transportation money and the adult-relationship allowance upfront. At least, that’s what a grandpa who was tanned pitch-black from sitting in the park told me.

I believe the person asking the question is correct. The rules state: “On the day of the date, male members must pay female members the transportation fee separately determined by our company—between ¥5,000 and ¥10,000—in advance.” Men who don’t pay the transportation fee before the meal or drinks are violating the rules. As for whether the allowance should be paid upfront or afterward, the rules don’t specify, so I think it’s up to each person’s discretion. Personally, I pay it upfront so it doesn’t become an awkward issue.

If you still don’t feel safe or trust him that day, it’s best to decline another meeting. A woman generally shouldn’t be the one to bring up money first. If that happens, it usually means the man’s behavior has been unbelievably bad, leaving her no choice but to mention it. Since building a relationship and continuing it are what matter, women should normally avoid bringing up money first. Do you focus on the small financial details upfront—or make the other person think about them? Or do you seek out a good person and build something ongoing? Both men and women need to show the appropriate level of consideration…